I’ve been writing a lot lately about how tired I am, but there are other things I do, that I don’t talk about, and it’s not for any reason other than I didn’t think to, until someone asked, so…erm here goes. The AMA Of Mental health or whatever.

How Do You Deal With Anxiety?

Anxiety is a bitch, because she’s always around just hovering. I listen to music, and this seems to help a lot, it tunes out a lot of stuff, and I find that I struggle to watch television because the lights and the sounds cause me more anxiety than I realized. I’ve broken that barrier that allowed me to watch tv for hours on end without feeling anxious or stressed out by what I’m seeing. SO! Music is a huge help, it blocks out a lot of stuff for me.

The Five Stages of Grief are Always Around When We Have Mental Health Issues

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I struggle to acknowledge that these five stages are cycling through my life, largely because it feels like I should be past the grieving process by now until I remember there is no time limit on grief.

Understanding that these are healthy and normal emotions for us to go through for a variety fo reasons will help take some of the pressure off when we’re having a moment.

How Do You Combat the bad days?

I don’t. I let them happen, I legit just ride it through and some days I’ll take a nap, or listen to music, or go for a walk, but bad days are like bad pennies, they’re out there, you just gotta duck, and cover when they happen and be accountable when you let the bad days get to you.

Why Does it Feel So Much More Difficult Than It Is?

Ha! Because mental health issues are tricky. My doctor is convinced I’m schizophrenic, and I’m convinced I’m closer to late-stage Autism than anything else. That is the best description I can come up with based on some of the symptoms and behaviors I’ve seen in friends who are autistic, there are certain triggers that lead me to believe I’m dealing with misdiagnosis, more so than anything else.

However until I can get a proper diagnosis from a doctor who deals with autistic folks, I don’t really have an answer. It’s hard because mental health is such a new and baby science, we’re still learning and so mistakes are being made at huge rates, so yes, this is why it feels so difficult. You know what you know based on your research, and we assume that doctors know better because of years of study, but the truth is? Sometimes everyone just doesn’t know shit.

I’m Scared

The truth is, I am genuinely afraid. I’ve seen the damage that people without proper medical care can cause firsthand, and I don’t want to end up like that. Out of control of my faculties, hurting people, and so the best that I can do is hope, pray, take my medication every day, and be open and honest with my doctors, even though yes, I genuinely despise these people it’s their job to take care of me, so even though I don’t like it, I have to trust they know what they are doing.

I’m Also Hopeful

There are days when everything is confusing and I’m not myself, and days when I know exactly who I am and these are the days that come more and more often now, now that I know what I went through, now that I’ve accepted it. It’s hard to believe that I went through “all that,” and that I am still here, and yes even I’m a Little intimidated by myself, but I keep going because I’m too curious to see where I’ll end up when I don’t give up.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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