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So You Want To Be A Dominatrix…Do You Know What That Means? The Responsibilities Are Endless

Sex Work. Let’s talk about it. BDSM Masters, Mistresses and other labels, are legally considered to be contract workers who work in the Sex Work Industry. There’s no getting away from that, and so before you even consider whether or not you want to do Domination or Submission professionally, you need to think about a few things:

  • Is it legal?
  • What are the laws regarding what it is you want to do?
  • Can you be safe while practicing this form of lifestyle entertainment and employment?
  • Can you keep your partner, or your client safe?
  • Can you ensure that when the “scene,” is over, that your partner, client, or person you’re working with is emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually safe and covered?

This is going to be a long post and it is ONLY for those who wish to enter the BDSM world with as much information as possible. There are 10000s of other sources that you can go ahead and look at, but because I have a lot of experience with emotional and physical BDSM – most of it non-consensual – I will do my best to explain in this VERY long article, the importance of safety and protection when practicing BDSM.

Step One: What is BDSM?

Bondage, Domination, Sadio Masochism – The four main tenants of BDSM are what we start with, because when we’re talking about Domination and Submission these four labels pretty much cover the various KINDS of the practice, and in those four there are underlying layers of emotional consequences that come with practicing this lifestyle.

Why is BDSM A Lifestyle?

At its core, the practice of BDSM is far more spiritual than it is sexual. It’s not about having an orgasm. Any human on the planet can rub their vagina or penis until they have an orgasm, but the exploration of the body, mind, and spirit, is something incredibly different. It’s not something most people do just for fun.

For habitual consensual practitioners we call it a “practice,” because we are constantly evolving with our play, we are constantly growing with our understanding of what works and what does not.

What works in one session isn’t going to work in the next session, and so when we are talking about a relationship that is Dominant and Submissive, what we’re really talking about is two people, in particular, one who is the “top,” and one who is the “bottom.”

The relationship outside of the scene room, which may be a specific playroom or your bedroom, is all about what happens during the “session.”

What happens when you enter your “BDSM” mode will last outside that space, whether you like it or not, which is why we call it a lifestyle.

You can’t just smash someone with a whip and then call it a day. There are emotions, feelings, and consequences of what happens outside of that particular session that bleeds into every part of your life, and the lives of the people you are practicing BDSM with. They will bleed into the way you speak and have a massive effect on your mental health long after the session is over.

What is a Dominatrix or Dominator?

The Top is the Dominator – male, female or non-binary, some will refer to this as “Dom,” or “Top,” either way it’s the person who is in control.

What is a Submissive?

A submissive is a person of any colour, race, creed, nationality, size, or orientation, that decides consciously, and on their own terms, that they would like to hand power over to someone else. Period.

Put Them Together

Depending on the rules set between the Top(s) and Bottom(s), the domination can be JUST about latex and toys for instance, or it can be a part of the relationship 24 hours a day. I’ve rarely met anyone who can handle functioning without domination of some kind twenty-four hours a day, and that’s largely because most submissives are not looking to be controlled.

They are actually looking to deliberately give up control so that they don’t have to focus on doing everything themselves. For most submissives, submission is a lot like saying “nope I don’t wanna, you do it,” and then actually enjoying the process of being made to do whatever it is they claim they don’t want to do.

Being controlled in a variety of ways from sexually to economically, allows the submissive to let someone take care of them. Maybe you don’t like the way a Femdom speaks to his, her or their submissive, but that’s not your place to decide. It’s up to the Submissive to use their safe word which can be anything from “no,” “stop,” or “red banana.”

Most subs will choose something that sounds RIDICULOUSLY stupid to scream out during a play session because sometimes – but not always – a Dom will lose control and forget their place. When that happens, the submissive is almost always the one in danger of being physically, emotionally, or spiritually injured by a Dom who doesn’t know when or how to stop.

Responsibilities of a Top

Almost all Dominants that I’ve spoken to have more than 10 years of experience working in real-life physical situations with submissives. They started out submitting to someone else and learned how to dominate others from their dominant. There is an entire secret society of people who practice BDSM both alone and in public, filled with people who have far more experience than I. Each of them will tell you the same thing: A Dominant’s Job Is To Ensure The Emotional, Spiritual, Mental, and Physical Well-being of Their Submissive.

A Submissives Job

A Submissive’s job is to please their Dominant, but their job also entails ensuring that the dominant in question remain honest and true to the relationship between the two. It’s entirely possible that a submissive may act out when a dominant takes too many liberties, while a dominant might try to force a sub to behave a certain way, the truth is that any top or bottom will tell you that if you have to FORCE a submissive to submit, it’s not submission, it’s rape.

This is why as much as it’s easy to say that all submissives do is take orders, really they have just as much responsibility to take care of their dominant, as their dominant has to take care of their submissive. It’s not easy being a submissive, because as a submissive you’re supposed to trust your dominant, but sometimes dominants – or people who think they are dominants lose control, in that case, the submissive has to “switch it off,” in order to take control and reign in their dominant.

That can be a very terrifying, and dangerous experience if you’re not formally trained, and you don’t have the requisite understanding of psychology that comes with a D/s relationship.

Before You Play

Have you had the conversation? Have you had at least 50 times?

  • What do you like?
  • What is acceptable?
  • What is not?
  • What kinks are allowed to be played with, and what is not?
  • What happens in an emergency?
  • What’s your safe word?
  • What triggers are absolutely off limits?
  • Is it legal?
  • Is it safe?
  • Is it consensual?

If You’re Going To Do This As A Job, You Have Even More Responsibilities

Beyond the person-to-person realities of being in a BDSM situation, there are the legal ramifications, I’ll leave it at this: Are you ready for this? Because it’s going to be a fucking PR nightmare if it goes wrong.

  • How are you going to get paid?
  • How much are you going to share with your friends/family/allies/fans?
  • Are you prepared to deal with the stigma that comes from being a verifiable sex worker? Because ALL BDSM Work – although therapeutic for some IS Considered Sex Work.
  • Do you have a degree in sex therapy? Because before you. even CONSIDER working in the sex world you SHOULD have a degree in sex therapy, especially if you’re going to be working exclusively as a Dominatrix

Now, personally, I think everyone on the planet should participate in safe, kink-aware, risk-free BDSM, but the problem is that even with being aware of risks when it comes to kink play there is no 100% guarantee that both people or all people are going to leave a BDSM session feeling safe and secure and if you’re going to be the Dominant then that is entirely 100% YOUR responsibility. Are you ready for that?

This is just one of the hundreds of stories where BDSM has gone wrong and the submissive did not make it out alive.

While I won’t blame anyone, what I will say is that if the Dominant in question had known that there were drugs in the system of the submissive, there’s a very good chance that this particular scene, would not have happened.

BDSM AND DRUGS

Don’t be a fucking idiot. Period.

If you want to drive drunk then fine drive into a fucking tree and kill yourself. – don’t put the lives of yourself, your dominant, or anyone else in the world, at the risk of your desire to be a fucking moron.

Please remember that with certain kinks, and with certain kinds of BDSM play PEOPLE DIE. YOU COULD KILL SOMEONE. AND IF YOU DON’T REMEMBER THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU’RE ABOUT TO ROLE OUT A SCENE, THEN YOU ARE A DANGER TO YOURSELF AND YOUR SUBMISSIVE AND OR DOMINANT AND ALL THOSE WHO MAY BE WATCHING.

If this is a path you GENUINELY want to embark on then I wish you the best, but I beg of you to read one of the millions of articles at least once a day, on BDSM, BDSM play, SSC – Safe Sane Consensual and Risk Aware Kink for at least a year. Read, do your research, make notes, speak to others, and go to as many MUNCHES as you can find in your local or distant areas.

SSC AND RAK: These are ACTUAL LAWS that BDSM Practitioners DO follow that are thousands of years old, designed to protect everyone in the relationship from any kind of danger. They work 100% IF you follow them to the letter. If you don’t know what SSC and RAK are then you do NOT need to be practicing BDSM with ANYONE.

And before you even CONSIDER being a Dominant – especially professionally – you should have at LEAST 2-3 years under your belt as a submissive. You NEED – and your future partners and clients NEED – You to know what it FEELS like to give up control before you can dominate others or you are just making a mess of people who are GENUINELY looking for leadership. You can NOT lead if you do not first know how to follow.

Sending all my love to all the future and current Dominants, Submissive and absolute freaks out there, (fucking love you ALL),

Devon J Hall


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