Look Women Who Are Not Ian Flemming, or The Family of Ian Flemming or the Protectors of Ian Flemming’s Work: Shut The Fuck Up. #JamesBond Should Always Be Male.

And this is coming from a woman who verifiably loathes, detests, and hates most men on the planet. Trust me, I looked around, there ain’t much to get excited about.

HOWEVER!

If you think James Bond should be cast by a woman, you don’t give a fuck about the character, or the story, you don’t care about the hours and years of tears, throwing up, the runs, all of the crap that comes with being an author and praying and hoping and bleeding to make sure that YOUR story is the one that the world gets to see, and very rarely what you start with, is what you get IF it ever gets to film.

Imagine a world where for once, it wasn’t the man saving the day, but a woman. A beautiful, brilliant, quick thinking on her toes woman, who destroyed all the bad guys with the flashy cars filled with missiles and destroyed evil corrupt men with the blink of an eye.

Someone annoyingly famous asked me this one day, I told him he was a fucking idiot. James bond is a man, and it’s not because of the fucking patriarchy, it’s not because the writer of James Bond hates women, it’s because when Flemming first wrote these books, he was living in a time of upheaval chaos and war.

In many many ways, James Bond is absolutely not a metaphor. He’s a reminder that in the days from which he originated, men were supposed to be out in the world killing things, and women although they were supposed to be at home barefoot and pregnant, were often evil as hell.

However, instead of men doing all the killing, every lover that James Bond takes, either becomes a part of the problem or a victim of the problem. Which is always a narcissistic megalomaniac (thank you for that word), Hellbent on destroying the entire planet in one horribly evolving way or another.

James Bond set the meter for which all action movies are made. Before James Bond as a film, there was nothing, and I mean NOTHING like him. Without James Bond, we wouldn’t have Natasha Romanoff, we wouldn’t have Columbiana, or Tris, or Katniss, we wouldn’t have BUFFY for fuck sakes, or Willow.

We Wouldn’t Have Letitia Wright in the 2nd EVER film about A BLACK SUPERHERO WITH MAJICK POWERS! DOES JAMES BOND HAVE MAJICK SCIENTIFIC POWERS? I THINK FUCKING NOT!

We wouldn’t have a VARIETY of female-led stories, without James Bond, and you want to repay the author by taking his LITERAL life’s work and changing it on the basis of feminism? Fuck the fuckity fuck the fuck off. I mean that with my whole soul.

Throughout almost 50 years of these stories – book and film – women have complained because “he’s not Black,” “he’s not a woman.”

Here’s the problem with that argument. Storytellers in particular only tell stories that haven’t been told yet, or work their whole lives to expand on stories that have already been told, by twisting them into something completely different. (Fifty Shades is still Shit.)

The reason that Flemming made this story based on that of a man, as the legend goes, is because the original stories of James Bond were based on a real person, who worked for the Queen’s Guard, (allegedly,) and carried out top secret missions around the globe.

This was the inspiration for this story, and because of that particular inspiration, hundreds of stories have been written about James Bond. From film reviews to films, from newspaper articles to television copy. Gazillions of words have been spent dissecting James Bond, and yet apparently it takes someone who has never seen a single film or read a single book, to explain it to you morons.

JAMES BOND SHOULD NEVER BE TRANSFORMED INTO A WOMAN.

James Bond is a Character. He’s a person in a world written by a particular author who made the choice to base this character on a man in every fucking way possible. 007 however is a designation, and the reason that it will NEVER, and SHOULD NEVER be given to a woman, is because then that would mean the end of James Bond Stories, and that would be a fucking shame.

I admit it, never seen a single film, but what I have seen is millions of fans all over social media explode with excitement the moment a new film comes out. Especially when it’s with a new actor. It’s a beautiful thing for ALL of us storytellers to see a story that started in 1953 and continues all the way through 2022.

No other author on the entire planet has ever had such a lengthy career, that literally continued even after his death. AFTER HIS FUCKING DEATH.

If I ever write a character that lasts that long and you assholes change their gender identity, colour, race, creed, or nationality without my EXPRESS AFTER DEATH WRITTEN AND VERBAL SAY SO, I will reign unholy Hell upon this planet.

Do you know how fucking hard it is to create a character that people love? That people GENUINELY care about? That people WANT to see over and over and over again? Do you have any idea how many millions of fans have bonded with total strangers and entire families over these films? While changing his gender won’t erase that, it will, however, completely destroy the authenticity of the character.

The idea of changing Bond’s gender isn’t about fairness or respect for women, it has absolutely nothing to do with that because if you’re a fan of James Bond if you’re a REAL James Bond Fan, you care about everything about him.

The way he walks, the way he talks, the way he dresses, and drives, the way he finds solutions to problems that would make most people put a bullet through their own heads, he is a hero. HE is a hero because HE Is James Fucking Bond 007.

If you want to create a female spy that works for England and saves the world, I’m afraid to tell you that Marvel already did it with Captain Britain, AND SHE HAS FUCKING SUPER POWERS!

The problem with the audience telling the author, or those in charge of the author’s work what we “should” do with the work that “we” created, fostered, or alternatively took over in the name of the author, is fucking evil shit.

No author on the planet has left the world the legacy that Flemming left us. The years of tears, the explosions, and SPY and Terrorist FILM AS IT EXISTS TODAY, exist because the original James Bond films were the test case for what we see on camera today.

James Bond tells the story of a lonely man who spends most of his time blowing shit up, there are decades worth of psychological material for future doctors to work from, and the story that would be told if James Bond were a woman, would be completely different, and not in a good way.

We have PLENTY of stories for women from the past and TRUST me coming in the future, and if you don’t like it then go write your own fucking character and keep your paws of wasn’t ever meant to be yours.

Signed a Pissed off Future Author

Devon J Hall

P.S. Most men still suck and I actively enjoy the fact that girls and women everywhere are planning to tell so many stories about women heros that James Bond will eventually (in about 500 years,) take a back seat.


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2 thoughts on “Look Women Who Are Not Ian Flemming, or The Family of Ian Flemming or the Protectors of Ian Flemming’s Work: Shut The Fuck Up. #JamesBond Should Always Be Male.

    1. It’s actually okay for men to have “men only spaces,” especially in film. James goes through a lot if you watch each film after another, and you start to piece together a VERY complex character, that really only works AS A man, to turn him into a woman you’d have to alter the entire story and that erases decades of work that went into creating this character. It’s important that we not forget that the Writer’s intention must ALWAYS come first, when it comes to telling a story – or in James Bond’s case, retelling it.

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