700 Posts, hundreds of thousands of tears, and millions of hours of wondering whether or not this is going to work, whether or not “this particular blog,” is going to be the one that I stick with, that other people resonate with and four years of internal, external, emotional, physical, and sexual trauma, and drama that comes with PTSD, anxiety, depression, isolation, and fear.

I can’t believe that the last post of 2021, is going to be a post designed to remind you that it’s all worth it, because it’s also designed to remind me that the 700th post is absolutely worth it.

There are few people who have the courage to criticize my writing because let’s be honest, I clearly don’t take criticism well, but what I will say about that is whatever their reasons, they can’t deny that I’ve worked really hard this past year and the last four years, to prove that my voice and the voice of all the people who feel like their voices aren’t heard enough.

One of my favorite lines is from the Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood, where Siddha asks her dad if he’s been loved enough, that line made me cry, largely because that’s a question we don’t ask of each other enough.

These are tough questions to ask, and they are questions that I am asking myself as I write this.

Questions that we don’t ask ourselves enough are the hardest questions to ask ourselves, PURELY because we don’t know how to answer them right away.

Have You Been Loved Enough?

What would make you feel more loved?

If I wanted to answer the question myself, I’d say that now that I understand love language, in reality for me it’s about knowing that the people who care about me, show me. It doesn’t have to be with money or gifts, but with their time, with their ability to support me when I need them the most. It’s about knowing that I am safe in their company, it’s knowing that when we are together I can have a drink, smoke a joint, and know that at the end of the night I’ll end up in my own home, in my own bed, without being afraid.

THAT’S my love language, security, and safety, and I haven’t had enough of that in 2021, or in previous years for that matter, but it’s my genuine hope that I have that in 2022.

I am looking forward to so much in 2022:

There are so many things that I am looking forward to, but the thing that I’ve come to realize is that each of the things has been absolutely intentional.

“Taking care of you means following your dreams, taking care of yourself means knowing what you want, and working towards making it happen, no matter how hard it is.” -Cliche artists everywhere

Writing has been my dream since I was 5 years old. I always thought I was going to have to struggle and fight to get what I want, but Loud Mouth Brown Girl and the audience that has come to watch me grow has been a huge part of showing me that I deserve to be here and have my dreams come true.

Making your own dreams come true is a learned skill, and it’s not something that all of us who deal with trauma and PTSD know how to deal with immediately. The emotions and feelings are so overwhelming, the stress and the fear and the anxiety that we won’t do it well, that we’ll fuck up or we’ll let people down can all be such a crushing blow before we’ve even begun to understand how our trauma can also be our superpower.

“How am I going to get through this?” “What if I’m not good enough?” “What will happen if I fail?” Renita Quirls reminded me that I never give up, that I am always trying and executing experiments to see what works and what doesn’t so that I can keep moving forward, and keep pushing towards the greatness that I know I am capable of.

For what felt like way too long a time, it felt like I was going nowhere, and just doing what I needed to do to survive, and now that I am building this website, now that I am seeing all the potential routes I could take because of this website, things seem a lot easier, but it wasn’t easy getting here.

700 Posts. 10,000,000 tears, and 37 years of undealt with trauma due to childhood abuse and all kinds of horrible things, and now that I am finally here, I have to tell you how utterly shocked I am. I didn’t think I’d make it four years ago. I still have moments when I want to end my life when the want is so close and so seemingly easy, and then I think of all of you.

What does that post even look like? Does my mom write it or a lawyer? Who tells the world that I finally chose to end my life? This just doesn’t appeal to me, I want to keep going, just to see how far I can get before it’s time to say goodbye.

So until next year, and long after I solemnly swear that I will be saying Hello, every single day.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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