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It’s the Last Day of 2020 And I have Tears

These are not all happy tears, because let’s face it, it’s been a year, but they aren’t all sad tears because this year has been amazing for me. I have really started to step into my own this year. I have found friends around the world that I didn’t know I needed, they helped me survive, but they also helped me thrive.

My friends inspired me to write a book, my friends inspired me to start a podcast, my friends inspired me to start a clothing line. Not all of them are people I talk to online, and not all of them are people that I see every single day, but I do talk to them in various ways throughout each day, and they talk to me in various ways throughout each day.

This year has been rough for hundreds, of thousands, of millions, of people around the world, and that has never been far from my mind. The pain that those around the world are experiencing is something that I have kept in the forefront of my mind, is because it helps me to remember how good I have had it, and how lucky and blessed I have been.

I am a lot stronger than I thought I was, and I recognize that by having spent the last ten months spending time going over all the things that I have been through, nearly every day has been a constant reminder of the pain, sorrow, and trauma that I experienced growing up. Up to this point I have honestly felt completely alone, I have been hated by people that I genuinely cared about, and loved by people I didn’t think twice about.

As 2020 comes to a close, I want to spend time thinking about all the people who came together to help me, whether they intended to or not. I want to remember all of the people who thought the worst of me, and I want to smile, because I have to the best of my abilities proven them wrong, but I also want to recognize that that wasn’t the point of this year for me.

This year was about seeing what Loud Mouth Brown Girl could become. I had no idea that it would matter to as many people as it does, I had no idea that someone would come to me, on more than one occasion, and tell me that I am a part of their healing journey, or that I am their anchor. I have had so many anchors this year, that even when I felt like I was drowning, I knew that I could tread water a little longer, so I know how it feels to look up to people who have had a tough road, and come out on the other side.

When I was 23 I had a dream wherein I asked the Universe to show me what love looks like, because I was looking for an anchor, I was looking for something to keep me going, because I was genuinely ready to give the fuck up. The Universe brought into my life, friends, allies, sisters, who taught me that sometimes love means letting go and moving on with your life, and other times it means holding on with everything you have and fighting for what you want.

I haven’t really discovered what I want yet, but I hope that I will soon. I want 2021 to be bright, and beautiful. I want it to be filled with huge events, and seas of people who are celebrating the fact that we’re still alive, in spite of our challenges. I want 2021 to be filled with laughter, excitement, adventure, and more challenges. Yeah I said it. Challenges are how we know that we’re strong, they are how we know that we have gotten stronger, wiser, and more able.

Challenges are how we know that we’ve overcome our past in order to keep going in the future, and I want more of that. I want more people to support LMBG then they did last year, I want to start a new clothing line, and I want to help more people. This year will be the first year that I will pocket any money made from the hoodies, this will be the first year that I focus on selling my work. I want to find ways to become a better writer, and I want to find ways to create opportunities for other writers on this website.

I want to live.

The very fact that I see a future for LMBG means that I want to live, and even on days when I feel like death would be easier, I want to keep going and that as you might understand is absolutely huge for me. Because when you feel like giving up, you’ve lost track of all your anchors, but I have so many that I don’t feel like I need to worry about whether or not I am going to commit to death.

That feels amazing, to know that, to know that I am getting better, that I am getting stronger, even on days that really hurt, even on days when I am out of my mind with anger, bitterness, and grief, this website keeps me going, which means that you the readers keep me going. The fact that so many of you read this website has changed my fucking life.

For a lot of people, life is about getting from one day to the next, and this year was no different for me, it really was just getting through the days hoping that something amazing would happen, and thankfully the BudSista’s were that amazing thing.

The Budsista’s group saved my life, and taught me that I wasn’t as alone in the world that I thought. Bachante is another private group of women from around the world who are here to support me when shit gets too crazy for me to handle on my own, and they are nothing short of amazing.

The writers and leaders of the world that I look up to, showed me that I am not only not alone, but that they are waiting for me to catch up so that I can join them, and that feels absolutely amazing. There are so many people rooting for me that I didn’t even know knew my name, and the more that I think about it, the more that I realize that life is like that for everyone.

We as humans have a habit of giving up on ourselves before we’ve really hit on the thing that we’re supposed to do with our lives, we give up on ourselves out of fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and no matter how hard people try to convince us that we’re loved, we have a hard time believing in it because we don’t believe that we’re worthy of being loved and appreciated.

Until we start believing in ourselves, it doesn’t matter how many people believe in us, it doesn’t matter how often they tell us that we’re loved, until we start believing it ourselves, it’s just a sugar coated lie that we can’t possibly believe because we go back to disbelieving that we are worthy of being loved.

I learned this year that that is a lie that was taught to me by my abusers, they said no one would care, they said that I didn’t deserve to be happy, they said that I don’t deserve to have my dreams come true. Because I’m mixed race, because I am Black, because I am a woman, because I was not one of them. Whatever their reasons are, I realized this year they don’t fucking matter.

The people that abused us as children will continue to hide in the shadows while I deliberately live in the light. While I deliberately put my name and face out there into the world, because I am unafraid of anything they might do now. They’ve already killed me spiritually, they’ve already killed me emotionally, they’ve already stripped me of all the things that made me innocent and pure. They destroyed my body, my mind, and my soul, but they didn’t take my strength. I survived them and I will continue to survive them in 2021, and to thrive.

And so will you. If you made it through 2020 alive, then now is your opportunity to see what can happen next. You don’t have to make concrete plans, you don’t have to decide anything this moment, but if you absolutely do decide to make it through the night and into the new year, I hope you recognize that it is because the God’s Goddesses and the Universe clearly want you here, and no one can take that away from you.

If you believe in God, let that be your strength, let that be your anchor. If you don’t believe in God, then believe in yourself, because if you don’t, who else is going to?

Happy New Years Eve my loves,

I love you.

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