I don’t usually write posts on Sundays, as y’all know by now, but this week has been particularly rough. I am not sure where I am going with this post, but I got the bug to write on this cold, wet, Friday night, so I thought I would start writing and see where it ends up. Bear with me.
I was watching Lucifer recently – the new episodes – SPOILER ALERT – and in it, one character always lies, while another always tells the truth.
It seems this season the writer’s are trying to push the characters to their emotional limit, it sort of feels like they are testing how far they can push the unrequited emotions and the interpersonal relationships of the characters.
So far I’ve liked what I have seen, but it got me to thinking about God, and the power of God to change our lives simply by introducing a new character or experience into our worlds.
In the story line, we learn early on in Lucifer’s history that Chloe Decker is a blessing from God, put in Lucifer’s path for a reason that hasn’t yet been discovered.
So I started wondering about the people in my life. Did God place them into my life for a reason? Is there an ultimate purpose to my existence that I just don’t quite understand? Are there plans and calculations that will lead me to a place that I don’t yet see as part of my over all vision?
Yeah, not easy questions right? yet questions I feel like we need to ask none the less. It helps me to think of the experiences of my past as Challenges, with me being the Challenger whose only goal is to prove that I can survive anything the universe has to throw at me.
I’ve survived a hell of a lot of bad, and while I feel like I am due a certain amount of good in response, I worry that I am not at those kinds of challenges yet.
I mean…success is a challenge right? You have to learn how to keep up your momentum, while simultaniously being terrified that being on a large stage is not something that I will ever be good at.
I can see a path for myself that leads towards doing more interviews, and perhaps returning to radio in a more professional setting. I would very much like go to go to school for radio. That has something I’ve wanted for a very long time.
The last time I went, the recruiter discouraged me from attending and if I am being perfectly honest, I wasn’t in a place where I would have been very successful at it.
Now I am here where I am getting comfortable doing interviews again and learning how to do my own podcast, and while I haven’t put a “ton” of effort into it, I know that when the day comes that I actually start putting more effort into my goals I will get exactly where it is that I want to go.
I am starting to recognize just how much fear has controlled my life, even when I didn’t recognize the feeling of fear for what it was.
I am afraid that the more people start to recognize me, they will recognize that I used to be a deeply and truly flawed individual, I am afraid that I still have too much of that person inside of me.
In my head the date October 21st, 2035 is stuck in my head, I don’t know what that date is but I know that it’s important and that scares the shit out of me. What if it’s something terrible, well that would just suck. What if it’s something amazing and I have somehow ruined the surprise? That wouldn’t be too great either.
Fear has a deep hold on my life, unless I am high or drunk then I am afraid of nothing.
I realize that I want the press, I want the celebrity of it all, not because I want to be famous, but because I want to be able to pay my own bills with money that I have earned. I want to be of service to the world, and that to me is the most important of all my goals.
That being said however, there is a lot of work between “here” and “there”, and the problem that I am having is that I know I work at my own pace, but I am sort of fumbling around trying to see what works and what doesn’t. While I appreciate this time of solitude, I wish I had some kind of compass guiding my way.
The one on my foot not withstanding, I am out of my element with content creation. I don’t create the way that other people do. I just do what feels right, what feels good, and while that’s good for my soul, it’s not necessarily good for business.
That’s the thing that I don’t understand fully, the art of Business is a skill that eludes me. I don’t know the ins or outs of running my own company, and while I know I will learn, I wish I knew now, what I know I’ll know in a few days, weeks, months and years. Isn’t that funny?
I hope you’re having a wonderful Sunday.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall