The Road Less Traveled
I wasted too much time of my life being unhappy
Worrying about what other people thought of me
Worked nonstop at molding myself into someone I didn’t even know
I was miserable with no sense of purpose…
But I kept a smile on myself so those feelings wouldn’t show
So basically I spent almost my entire life wearing a mask
Keeping way too much bottled up inside…
And I ended up traveling on a very destructive path
I got tired of ending up on roads that led to dead ends
And even more tired of putting my faith into so-called friends…
Only to end up getting hurt again and again
I always was there to run to the rescue when someone called
Yet I had to wonder if anyone would catch me if I were to fall
I refused to waste any more time relying on someone else
People aren’t to be trusted…
So I had to learn to rely on myself
And by doing that I begin to smile through the pain
Managed to keep it together, and not go insane
I’m so proud of myself for traveling on a different path
And that I’m no longer trapped or holding on to my past~
©®Emunah
We come into this world being told that we have to be taught all of the things that we don’t know. We grow up being convinced by everyone around us that we have to do things a certain way, that we have to live a certain way. It takes about twenty-five years or so for us to realize that we can actually decide for ourselves.
Those first twenty-five years of life are exhausting because we’re constantly stuck in this place of trying to fit in. By the time twenty-five rolls around, we start unpeeling all the layers of bullshit that exist in our lives, and we come out of the fog so to speak.
It took me a little longer than it takes most people. Largely because I wasn’t exposed to higher education. I suspect that if I had had the chance to go to college or university I might have come out of the fog sooner.
As it was, I was in such a state of pretending that I hadn’t been abused to the degree that I had been, that I lost myself in the mask that I had created for myself. Just as the above poem states, it took me a very long time for me to realize that this is what I was doing.
In a very real and honest to God way, a deep soul based part of myself died when I was a child. Murdered by the emotional and mental scars of being abused to the degree that I was abused.
I’m not dead anymore. Literally and metaphorically, because I fought not to be. I fought to get where I am right now and I am not giving that up easily. No matter what comes my way, because I know what it feels like to lose myself in the mask.
You surround yourself with scary people you wouldn’t normally look at, who do stupid evil shit because that’s all they know and there is never going to come a time in my life when I want to go back to that.
You end up surrounded by Vampires who suck the life out of you, even as they tell you that they love you and would never hurt you.
I am not going back to that again. It’s uncomfortable being behind a mask when you know that the real version of you is beautiful and wonderful and just bursting to be set free.
A lot of people think that you have to follow the path of others to succeed, but I am building my own path to success with every step I take. I am creating a metaphorical path of stone that is leading me to the place where, as a human, I can feel the most of myself.
I feel like if you’re genuinely happy doing your own thing, then that’s exactly what you should do. Even if other’s don’t understand why you are doing the things you are doing, somewhere inside of you, you know, and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 