Last night was rough…and when I say rough, I mean it was so rough that I heard a little voice whisper “I want to kill myself”, it wasn’t my voice, it was that dark traveller that goes from one person to the next person infecting them with darkness, fear, shame, anxiety and depression.
Last night I curled up on the floor and cried until I didn’t have tears left before crawling into bed and letting myself completely pass out.
I didn’t have anyone there to make me feel better, I didn’t have anyone to talk to, I felt such a feeling of absolute terror and I genuinely don’t know where it came from.
Today I am absolutely exhausted, but I am writing because I don’t know what else to do, it’s the only thing that makes me feel better. Yesterday was mostly a quiet day, I mean I sat on the computer all day playing Facebook games and didn’t speak much, because I didn’t have much to say.
It’s like my body knew the night terrors were coming and my mind was conserving energy so that I could deal with it.
The good news is that LT from LT The Buddy Teacher looked over my book and gave me some ideas of how to make it a bit better, which I truly appreciate, and then today someone showed me a 3d representation of my book, which just made it all the more real, so that helped.
I reached out to people on Twitter last night and told them what was going on, and a lot of random strangers and friends stepped up to help. I am going to spend today trying to be grateful for what I have, instead of worried about what I do not have.
I am going to focus on doing some household chores and separating the darkness from the light by doing some light cleaning. I smoked a little joint, I had a conversation in my head, I talked to my Ohana, and I am feeling a little better and a little more empowered today than I was feeling yesterday.
Although, that being said I also feel like I am on a see-saw and I’m standing in the middle trying to get down carefully without getting hurt, knowing full well that the crash is going to be hard and painful.
I am so fucking tired, I am excited about the book and I finally picked a day. August 5th, 2020 my book will be published come hell or high water. I am really proud of it, it’s not about my life like I thought it would be, and it’s also not fiction like I expected it would be.
However, it’s a beautiful collection of essays about the way that I see the world and I am excited to share that with you all.
So there’s that to look forward to.
What are you looking forward to this week?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 