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So That’s How I Feel About All This..

I can’t tell you how often I have looked at my life and felt completely alone. I feel alone right now, for a lot of reasons, a lot of emotional heart breaking reasons that have more to do with my own personal past than anything else.

I am trying to avoid all conversation about George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery and all these other amazing humans who died were murdered at the hands of evil.

I keep thinking about the white supremacists who raped me while pretending to be something they aren’t in order to silence me into complacency.

I keep thinking about the men and women on the front lines of everything that is going on right now, I am watching a video of a couple being tazed because they were sitting in their car trying to get through traffic in Atlanta.

According to the cops, they thought the Black couple were carrying weapons, the cops were fired, but that’s not fucking nearly enough.

This keeps happening over and over and over and over again and every single time the victims are blamed for the actions of the actions of the abuser, and I am just over it.

I don’t have anyone in my life right now that matters, I have no friends, I have no loved ones other than my mom, I don’t talk to anyone, I’ve cut everyone out of my life, with the exception of my friend Kim.

That’s because I spent thirty years being a victim of sexual abuse and I finally had enough and told everyone to leave me the fuck alone while I meditate and heal, I needed time to decompress from everything once I told my story, and I tell you this because Kim is the only person in the world I feel safe being honest with.

I don’t know if it’s the world or something personal, but I want to tell you… My life is easier because of things I’ve had no control over. For most of my life, because I’ve had pain, I did not see this.

Because of your voice, I am better. I see how I can react to what is just discomfort to me in a way that can threaten someone else’s life. I see my part. And I see my part is not done. You are being heard. You are making changes. I am one of them. I deeply thank you.

 

It took me awhile to digest what she was trying to say, because after the death of Breonna Taylor I kind of checked out for a moment, and then so swift came the death of Ahmaud Aubrey, and finally George Floyd, and all at once I was so shocked, I kind of went down a spiral.

Kim pulled me out, because it took me two days to figure out what to say to her, I considered lying to her and telling her that I was fine and that everything was all good and that it wasn’t affecting me, but I can’t lie to Kim. You can’t lie to an Actress, they always know when you’re full of shit. Plus I don’t lie to my friends anymore.

The truth is like every Black person on Earth I am feeling a collective breath of exhaustion, I am worried about those on the Front Lines. I am worried about the children who are out with their parents, I am worried about every man woman and child who is Black in America because Donald Trump basically called fair game on Black Lives.

I mean he’s been doing it for the last sixty years of his fucking life, but now it’s like, “actually official”. He came out today and said that ANTIFA is a Terrorist Organization.

Now you are officially considered a terrorist if you consider yourself ANTIFA, I mean I didn’t support them before now, and I probably am not going to jump into the fray now but Jesus Fucking Christ. Being an Anti Fascist is a bad thing now? That’s not a good sign.

People are sharing pictures and videos of White cops taking a knee, and the only question I have is what the fuck took you so long?

It’s been four years since Kaepernick took a fucking knee, none of this had to happen. George Floyd should not have died that way, with less respect than those Cops would have given to a Dog.

I can’t be arsed to talk about how people shouldn’t be looting – that’s just some kind of fucking bullshit, especially since even the Police are saying most of the people doing the looting are going out of state to do it. Like that makes it less illegal? I don’t get it.

When I was in JR High, we used to visit the Army Base, every once in awhile I would go to the museum. I loved it there because I loved learning about the history of the Canadian Army, I was convinced I’d be a soldier one day.

It didn’t turn out that way, but what struck me recently is that Cops as of the last few years have been dressed for war, meanwhile we’re in the middle of a pandemic and the world has seemingly forgotten that our Doctors and Nurses still don’t have proper PPC gear.

I wake up every single day wondering what I can do to help and the truth is that the only thing I can do is offer my voice and step back and let others talk when it’s time, because that’s all I am capable of.

I’m not sorry if it’s not enough, it’s all I am capable of, and you can’t ask more of me than that.

I appreciate having Kim to lean on, but it shouldn’t be this way. I wish I hadn’t kicked everyone out of my life so soundly, maybe if I had really understood what was coming I might not have, because it’s cold out here on the tree by myself, but I’d rather be alone than ever risk myself in the company of a lone White man ever again.

I’ve learned too many times what evil things White men are capable of, and I don’t care if that sounds racist, it’s fucking true. The majority of my rapists were white men, they are the most dangerous creature on the planet.

Don’t believe me? Then explain to me why a White man showed up at a protest recently with a bow and arrow? I mean granted he got his ass kicked, but that’s his own fault. If you show up ready to cause trouble to a group of Black people you better expect they are going to fight back.

We’re scared not stupid. We might die at the hands of a white person but we’re not going to go easily, we’ll fight back with everything we have, but the thing is that we shouldn’t have to.

We shouldn’t have to teach people how to treat us the same way they would teach a member of their own family. The way ya’ll treat us shouldn’t be different because of the color of our skin, but for some reason that seems to be a barrier for so many of y’all.

I think strength is passed through the veins the same way that racism is, it’s ingrained in us to believe that our lives matter less because we have to learn to fight for what is given so freely to our white counterparts.

I appreciate everyone checking on me, but so help me god if one more white person asks how I am doing I might throw up. Or shut down social media, one of the two, because I am fucking exhausted.

I am high.

I have my own issues to deal with, I don’t have it in me to take on the state of the world, but I am trying the best I can to be helpful where I can be, and it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. So I feel useless, which just adds to the feeling tired and depressed.

That’s how I’m doing.

I’m keeping my love tonight, I need it more than you do.

Devon J Hall

 

 

 

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