It feels arrogant to call myself a Teacher, but that’s a word other people have used. I don’t know if it’s true, because I don’t really feel like I am “teaching” anything important. All I am doing is sharing my experience, maybe that’s enough, I’m not sure, the point is that I am no Guru.
I keep looking at these twitter accounts that are filled with pockets of wisdom and I keep wondering where they steal this shit from because no way there are that many wise people in the world who have managed how to figure out how to be happy with little money.
I don’t believe it, I think that these people want to be happy, they want to be successful, they plan on it an they manifest it through the idea that if they cultivate an air of success around them, they will in then reach their goals.
I think that’s how it works, because that’s what I am doing, step by step little by little each and every day, and throughout it all I keep hearing the words “when are you going to find a nice young man and settle down?”
That’s the last fucking thing that I want right now. My entire life has been about trying to find “the right guy,” and where has it gotten me? Nothing but raped, beaten, tortured, kidnapped, abused, and raped all over again, rinse and repeat.
If there’s a rape fantasy out there chances are I’ve probably lived through it, I am exhausted with the male species I’ve said this before and I’ll say it now…but I still have to know what it is about our thirties.
Yenta’s around the world will tell you that it’s the most confusing time of your life, and yet somehow it’s supposedly the perfect time to “Settle down and find a man“. I don’t understand that. If I am confused already why the fuck would I bring a man into my life to make things worse? When has having a man in my life ever made my life easier?
Never. Exactly never.
That’s why I am so gung ho about doing this thing single, about being single, and not ready to mingle. Because it’s exciting to see who I am becoming when I am not searching for the next great love addiction of my life.
Love very much is a drug, and when you get hooked on it you are willing to change everything about yourself to please anyone, and everyone in spite of your own needs. I did that for years. I put everything else that I wanted or needed on the back burner, and I took my mild moments of vengeance where I could but that didn’t exactly make me happy.
Even when I was succeeding in my chosen field, or when I was succeeding at anything really (read vengeance) it wasn’t really that great because I was only doing it to either impress others or show them that I could…I was doing everything in my life for validation.
These days I don’t care about external validation, because searching for that got me absolutely nowhere. All I got were a hand full of lessons filled with shit that I mostly already knew or would have figured out with half the pain if I hadn’t been so stubborn.
My friend BreakBeat Junkee once said that your twenties were for making the mistakes and your thirties were for regretting the mistakes, but I don’t regret them because they made me who I am and who I am is a bad ass writer that’s really tired of the idea that men make the world go around.
Without women men would cease to exist, they couldn’t function in a man only society and they know it, that’s why there are no movies with men ruling the world that don’t end in death, murder and bloodshed.
Even the mightiest superhero women have long drawn out love stories that are complicated and usually end with her going it alone because guys mostly just get in the way of getting shit done.
If you’re lucky, you find the guy, the person who is meant to be there beside you as you grow and balance out, and that can be wonderful, but being single can be just as wonderful when you start to really appreciate what it took to get you where you are.
The lessons are hard, they’re supposed to be hard, they are supposed to be the hardest thing that you ever do, and that’s utterly because it’s imperative that you emerge from them your best and strongest version of your truest self.
If I am a teacher than so are those of you who are reading this, teaching merely requires that you are willing to share your experience with others who could never comprehend your journey without you as an individual sharing it.
Right?
I think that’s right, but what do I know, I’m just a stoner with a keyboard.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 