That’s what I ended up crying out during meditation today. I know exactly what moment it was, it was the moment I was raped from behind. I know exactly who, I’ve already said his name on this blog before, but there’s no point in dragging it all out again. He knows who he is, so does everyone else.

I spent the rest of the day trying hard not to cry and failing mostly. I spend a great deal of time trying not to cry, largely because it means letting out all the dark stuff that I am still hiding inside.

I know that holding onto it is holding me back, but there is so much of it that I can’t handle it in large chunks, so I have to take it in smaller ones which means that it’s going to take longer for me to heal than I expected it to, and worse my Psychiatrist would rather think that I am psychotic than deal with the real underlying issues of PTSD after trauma and rape.

It’s frustrating to know that, to know that in my heart because it means that I have to deal with all this emotional garbage on my own with little to no support and that’s a lot to ask of anyone.

I keep telling him that I remember it happening, and he keeps saying he believes that I believe it, which is pretty much the worst thing you can say to a rape survivor.

I didn’t even try any of my exercises today when it all came up, I just went from zero (meditation state) to one hundred in six seconds flat, as soon as I could move, I moved, and I lit a smoke and I did whatever I could to pull myself out of the meditation but it sits heavy in my gut.

I know I needed to let her out, I know I needed to acknowledge the pain that that night brought into my life, but it hurt in ways that I don’t know how to describe to know that part of me is still in the black room.

Part of me will always be there, in that room. I won’t ever be able to fully escape the consequences of that night, that’s the reality of my situation. I can’t change that, and I feel like I also can’t ignore her anymore. So I guess I am going to have to let myself continue to meditate and let it out until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That’s where I am this week.

Love Devon JHall

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