Self confidence is something that I struggle with every single day. I am trying to break past the brain washing of my bullies and abusers, but I learned while writing this post that it’s actually really difficult.
How does one celebrate themselves without being accused of being filled with hubris or being accused of being egotistical?
It’s a learning process, and one that I am growing quite frustrated with, because I know at my core I am a good person. I have a lot of skills and talents to offer the world and I am learning new ones every day.
I know that my journey matters, because there are others who have experienced gang rape and the world celebrates them for surviving to tell their story, so surely there’s room in the world for me to tell mine too…right?
I don’t think we take time to appreciate how much we invest in ourselves as individuals, each of us is born with our own version of struggle and challenge, and when we really stop to think about it all, it can be incredibly overwhelming.
I often wonder why it was that I survived something that should have killed me and the only conclusion I keep coming to is that I flat out decided I was going to survive, so that I could see my favorite cartoon shows become movies. I know that sounds silly, but I distinctly remember thinking that night, “I deserve a Captain America Movie if I survive this.”
It was a small thing, but it kept me alive through that night, and while I forgot about it after, the movie was delivered by the Universe, as if reminding me that it hadn’t forgotten.
I tend to forget just how much work I put into the world, so I made a list.
That’s a lot of work that goes into creating that content for someone whose just a “lazy bum sitting on her ass trying to heal.” It takes work to create that content, it takes energy, it takes an investment of time that I believe is exchanged only when I put more work into advertising what I am doing so that you have as much access to me as possible.
The work that I am putting into the world matters to me, and if that’s the only person that it matters to then that’s okay because that investment of time and energy is helping me heal from serious childhood sexual abuse, trauma, PTSD, anxiety and depression.
I am doing it with very little help from anyone other than my mom, my doctor and my psych nurse, and I am doing okay today. So the investment fucking matters, because every single day I am getting stronger, happier and smilier than I was the day before.
I am deciding every day, with every post, that your time and effort matters enough to me to create something that I am proud of so that I can share it with you. I am deciding for you, that I believe you should invest your time in me, by checking out what I’ve created…and by checking it out you are agreeing that your time and effort is a good investment for you.
It’s a mutual exchange and one that I am only beginning to understand with the more that I create, and I am excited to see where this exchange of energy takes us, aren’t you?
It matters because I decided it matters. You know what I mean? Do you have a life changing decision that is helping you reach your goals? Let me know in the comments below, I’d love to hear about your decision making journey.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 