I was looking for something to write about when I came across this gem, the first on a list of one hundred that I found here.
I’ve spent my entire life asking permission from one person or another, to simply exist as I was born to exist, and frankly it’s fucking caught up with me and now I am emotionally, physically, mentally and emotionally spent.
Why should I have to wait for someone else to recognize the work I am putting into the world? Why can’t I be the first one to pat myself on the back and say “you did it, and you did it well,”? Largely because we’re told we’re not supposed to.
Sure enough these days websites like Tee-Spring make it incredibly easy for anyone to design fashion for customers to buy, and sure it’s not the traditional route of fashion design but I past my mid thirties, nothing about me is traditional.
I did life half assed and upside down, several times, I’ve made mistakes that have forced me to repeat the same problems over and over again, but I made it out of that cycle and now that I am moving on with my life I am done asking permission from those around me.
Specifically from men.
My whole life I have cultivated an identity around being the kind of person I thought men would appreciate in order to keep myself safe from their advances.
Clearly that didn’t work, and now I am in a place of not talking to men, on purpose, at all, unless I have to, and I realize how much control over my own life I gave away.
Now that I am in this new place, I am becoming more and more confident in my skills, with each day that passes. I am constantly trying to push myself to better my writing, even if it doesn’t appear like I am working hard from the outside.
I am learning to accept that no one ever really sees the work that goes into being a success, they only ever see the end result.
That being said, I am in the process of trying to build an Empire, out of what amounts essentially to a pile of sand. I have to remember that the Ancients built amazing things out of sand and dirt, like the pyramids and the Spinx.
Those monuments were built by teams of people and lasted centuries, surely I can build something half as great on my own if not better than great?
With all this self isolation thing I’m doing in quarantine there is no one here to tell me what I can and can’t do, and so I am choosing to do whatever the fuck I want to get my brand in as many faces and timelines as I possibly can.
One day, when I’ve had enough counselling I’ll go to school and I’ll study Mental Health and Fashion in equal measure, but until then I am taking it one day at a time.
How are you about asking permission to be happy from others? Do you often find that you’re hiding your true self to protect the feelings of others? Let me know how you handle it with a comment below.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall