So my routine has changed. From now on instead of taking a needle every morning a man will show up at my house with two pills for me to take and he will watch me take them.
It’s nerve wracking and it’s fucking humiliating, but it’s just one more step in me reporting what happened to me. I swear to god this entire Saga is an excuse for women everywhere to never report. I honestly wish I hadn’t.
Once I take my pills I make a cup of coffee and then I watch television, sometimes it’s Kelly and Ryan and other times it’s the View while I sit and think about what I want to write each day and I am starting to feel like I am living Groundhog’s Day, which by the way is the worst of the eighties films.
Not only is it cheesy in of itself, it has a life lesson in it and I hate that shit, because it’s always shit you should already know but don’t because you’re too busy racing towards the pay off that you lose the lesson, which is redundant because then you gotta go untangle yourself and figure out where the lesson is.
And it’s exhausting and I am exhausted.
It’s not just Quarantine that keeps me isolated from the world, I spend a great deal of time pushing people away these days because I am tired of being kicked when I finally let them in, so I am by my very nature, an isolated and isolationist type person.
I find it’s just easier, than being a disappointment to those who might not understand or worse, definitely don’t care to understand my situation, you know?
I keep thinking, “Devon, you really gotta get your shit together, sober up and start taking this blogging thing seriously,” but the thing is that I am taking it as seriously as I am capable of.
I am definitely waiting for something, that’s for sure, but I am not exactly sure what that is, and so in this place of waiting for whatever comes next I am spending this time starting to realize that I am repeating myself.
Every day is a repeat, some days I don’t even bother showering, because what is the point? It’s not like I am going anywhere. At least before Quarantine I could go to the book store or my favorite restaurants, I could visit with the people I know at those places. Some days I go entire days without saying a word, not even to my mom, and it’s starting to get to me.
Which leads me to think about all the people still stuck on cruise ships, the mental anguish must be absolutely stifling and I am so sorry you are experiencing this right now, I wish I could blink and bring you all home to where you live and where you want to be.
I keep dreaming about the day I can afford to buy myself some kind of gaming system. I am not really a gamer but I need something to occupy my mind while we’re stuck inside because I don’t think it’s going to end any time soon.
I think I am one of those people sitting back and watching with care, understanding that the moment humans start to mingle again, the virus is going to pop it’s unkillable head up and kick our asses back one more time.
What we’re experiencing now is only the first wave, that’s what all the experts are saying, so how exactly does this work?
What about all the kids who don’t have a computer or the internet right now? What about all the families who are going without food right now?
What about all the…fuck my head is spinning, every single day I wake up and these questions are front and center in my mind and so far there are no easy answers.
The only good thing is that people are laying off the “eat the rich” mantra which happens whenever there is mass panic. “Something’s wrong,blame the rich,” and while it’s usually true, it doesn’t change the fact that hearing it every day is a bit annoying. “We get it, rich people are evil,blah blah blah.”
Even when Celebrities and Rich people do step up and say the things we want them to say, they get told to shut the fuck up, so it’s no wonder that the rich aren’t first in line to save us from a problem many of them are befitting from.
It must be said so I don’t offend anyone, that I don’t mean “every” rich person, just the evil ones. You know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I remember when I interviewed Lindsey McKeon I remarked on her website that she talked about the same issues – for me it’s no big deal, I am a nobody, but for her it kind of is big to talk trash about the world’s richest families. She didn’t care, “truth is truth, gotta spread it” is the Lindsey McKeon way and I always found that pretty enlightening.
Every day I wake up and I do a little writing, and some days I sit here and I don’t write a single word, and I wonder honestly if I am going absolutely fucking whacko, and then I realize that no, it’s just another day when the world mostly stopped and I am here to witness it.
As far as apocalypses go this one is off to a pretty slow start. I was expecting the first wave to be Vampires, Demons, Dragons, but maybe we already fought those and didn’t even realize it…maybe this is the second or third wave…maybe I’ve been missing Buffy too much.
To those of you who are single, how are you getting through this quarantine without going crazy? I could really use some tips and tricks. Leave them in the comments below and I’ll be sure to spread them around.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 