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Fear in Isolation

Once upon a time I had this dream that I was building a sanctuary somewhere in the middle of the woods. I spent a great deal of time building this sanctuary, there were four giant square pillars of wood that I wrapped in bright shiny material to represent the four corners; Earth Air Fire and Water.

In the center I built a fire pit to represent fire, and around the fire pit a small moat that I filled with water from the forest spring, to represent water. I burned incense to represent air, and dirt from outside the moat to represent earth, and I added pillows to make it comfortable and “homey.”

Within minutes of finishing my outdoor sanctuary, a pack of wolves appeared and destroyed everything that I had built. I didn’t understand what that dream was about until now.

I wake up every single day grateful that I made it through another night without anyone trying to get revenge on me for speaking out.

I wake up every day in absolute shock that someone hadn’t broken into my house during the night and tried to kill me – because that is my absolute greatest fear. Before I go to bed I ensure I have my phone somewhere near by and I force myself to practice in my mind, dialing nine one one so I can be prepared if I need to be.

Other times I imagine having to type a message into Tweet Deck in case I am at my computer when they come for me. My Doctor says this is part of the psychosis, the paranoia, but you don’t survive what I’ve survived without making a few enemies along the way. You just don’t. Name one hero of any story that made it out alive without pissing someone off.

Go on, I’ll wait.

That’s what I thought.

I sometimes think that what I am doing with Loud Mouth isn’t really that important, and I have to remind myself that it’s important to me, so it might e important to others, but I feel like I am sitting here trying to build this sanctuary just waiting for the wolves to show up and destroy it and that scares me.

I am putting in the foundation of my future, I keep saying that, but because I can’t quite see what the future holds I am nervous about anyone coming in and ruining that delicate balance that I am starting to find.

I think that’s why I sent everyone away, I think that’s why I needed this time alone, because I was so tired of living for everyone else, I was so tired of existing so I didn’t hurt anyone, that I ended up hurting everyone anyways. In realizing that I am not perfect, I realize I need time to digest just what I am, which is someone who is learning to be better.

That learning is taking a lot of time, and with each new post I am discovering something about myself that I didn’t necessarily know or acknowledge before, but I am still a work in progress.

I never had a plan, except to write. I love what I do, and have from the beginning. Loving what you do makes it a lot easier to work, every day, to face the tough spots and heel in for the long haul. Nothing against plans; they work for some people. But for me, if I’d been planning.

Worrying about numbers, trying to micro-manage my career, I wouldn’t have focused on the writing. If you don’t write, you’re not read. If you’re not read, you don’t sell. So that’s my Master Plan, I guess. Write the books, let the agent agent, the editor edit, the publisher publish.

That’s the goal right there, to be the Writer, and to be just the Writer. To sit back and write the stories while other people market, and agent and do what they’re supposed to do so I can write the stories that are stuck in the darkest places in my mind.
That has always been the goal, but for the time being I have to tell you that I am loving this part. I am loving building the story by writing down the characters I want to share with you.
I am enjoying see who these characters are as they develop, and I love that they aren’t necessarily based on people I know in real life, unless they actually are. They are fascinating to me, and writing about them makes me happy, but it’s the most difficult kind of writing.
Whereas writing about my life is easy, and far less entertaining, so now I have a decision to make, do I want to do the writing that is easy, or am I more interested in the stuff that’s confusing and interconnected?
I want both. I want both and I want to continue building my Hoodie company, I want to get to the point where my clothing is walking down a runway, I want to see Loud Mouth Designs across the globe, and I want to attend Paris Fashion Week.
I wouldn’t have realized that I wanted any of that if it weren’t for sharing stories of my life here on this website.
I am more in tune with the world around me, even though my house is currently a mess and could do with a good cleaning, I am figuring out each day that my dreams are real and valid. I am realizing that in this place of healing, I do know what I want to do with my future, I do know I want to learn to design fashion, and I want to continue to write.
I am starting to realize that these stories that I want to write are stories about a girl that is my future version…maybe, and that’s exciting, but it’s also nerve wracking because I am constantly brought back to the idea that I might not be as free as I really want to believe that I am.
The fear is very real, and it is always there, every time a car pulls up outside the house I wonder if this is the day that I am going to die.
I can’t change the fact that the fear is there, but I can live with it. I can handle it, because I know what I want for my future now, and that’s more important than the fear.
I am lonely, but I am not alone…and that helps to keep me going, to keep fighting and building Loud Mouth Brown Girl.
I have a t-shirt line…I keep saying that because it’s important, it is important that I remember that I am selling myself, and the brand, and that is work. Real, honest to goodness work.
I can be proud of that, even if I am doing it from my living room, that is were all the best businesses started. All the best stories in the world begin in a living room, with the main character often alone, trying to figure out what the hell they’re going to do with their lives.
I’m not doing too badly.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall

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