My mom works really hard, every day, and living with her can be a reminder often of the job that I used to have. It was a job that had purpose and meaning, and it made me feel like I was doing something, even when most days all I did was help serve a meal or show somewhere to sit.
There was always something about my job that I liked, even if there were days when I felt like I was completely miserable, there were things about my life that were complicated, which translated into frustrations from and at work.
These days however I am living at home at thirty-seven, wondering what it is I am doing with my life and I realized when mom got home today, that my time is precious.
A lot of my days are spent wondering what I can do to get more hits on the blog so I can start making money from it, because that is for me, the fucking goal, to make money from my writing.
I am excited about the day that I start getting paid for writing this blog, or for the day I finally publish that damned book, but it is this time that is quiet and pure and silent in its weaving ways that I need the most right now.
I get really frustrated when she gets home because after a long day all she wants is a cup of tea and something to eat, and I am usually in the middle of trying to write something epic and inspiring that gets me to that 1000 post time to write a book goal.
It occurred to me today that my time is precious. To the outside world it might look like I am just writing a blog, but what I am really doing with each post I write is building a brand and it’s trial and error until I figure out what I am doing, but it’s real honest work and I am doing the best I can with it.
It may not look that way to you, but I don’t really care what it looks like to you, it’s not about you, it’s about me and me realizing that while I am in this place of healing, I am making my time here matter by building the Loud Mouth Brown Girl brand. I have goals that I want to accomplish with this blog, like writing 1000 posts before I even consider writing a book again.
I want to help others with what I put up here, and I want to help them by encouraging them to believe in themselves even as they deal with their mental health issues. I want to be one of the few Brown Girl’s discussing mental issues in a big way, and I can do that.
My time matters because I am deciding that it matters, what I do with that time is entirely up to me, and me alone.
When you work out of an office, that time between the office and home is your decompressing time, it’s that time that is yours and yours alone, no one can interrupt it unless you let them.
When you work from home however, people expect that you’re ready to deal with them the moment you walk through the door, because working from home, even if it’s at a dinky website blog, isn’t real work. You don’t have to deal with people all day, but what you forget is that having that peace all day suddenly interrupted can be a giant pain in the fucking ass.
I get stoned to write because it helps me to orchestrate what I want to say in a positive and healthy way, often times it is what helps weave these tales that I put together for you to read, I need time to decompress from that, so don’t expect just because you’re suddenly in my face I actually want you there.
This time that I spend working on this brand, if you will, and I will, is part of my mental health journey. It’s not just about making money from the blog it’s about finding a sense of peace within myself and the way that I see the world.
When you interrupt that, you interrupt the flow of positive energy I am trying to surround myself with. Unfortunately due to my medical status I am not allowed to leave the province, so I have to create a safe space for myself in my home, the sudden interruption of that peace can be debilitating on some days, less frustrating on others.
I am working on how I interact with people who interrupt my peace, but those of you on the outside need to consider how your attitude affects those of us who are trying to connect to the world by disconnecting from it. Our time is precious too.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall