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I’m not Perfect…I’m Scared Too

This is the calm before the storm, and I am not sure how bad it’s going to get but I know that the only thing to benefit from this global pandemic is nature.

People are genuinely afraid right now of how things are going to turn out, and here I am sitting in my apartment safe with the heat off for the spring, windows open to the fresh air wondering what comes next.

What happens when the pandemic is over? How many lives will have been devastated as a result of the issues that come with a pandemic? The government is thinking about and talking actively about, giving out extra money to people on disability and those who are out of work.

Great idea in theory.

You know who can’t wait for that to happen? Drug dealers. Are people thinking about the incoming inevitable wave of drug addiction that is going to hit the streets after this? Of course not, they don’t think about it on the days when checks are released in general.

Largely because we’re hearing about it on the news every day, it seems that the only people who are able to get tested are those who have an excess of money. I’m wondering about the people on the street who are vulnerable and don’t have a place to self isolate themselves.

I am thinking about the service workers, volunteers and staff who have to deal with people who are homeless and in many cases unwashed because of lack of accessibility to things like sinks and showers, those who are working without proper protective gear, because they’re the last on the list.

Gal Gadot and friends posted a video on Instagram of them singing “Imagine”, ya’ll we don’t have to fucking imagine, we live it every day, fuck the fuck off. I’m less angry but I am irritated, because they don’t get it. They won’t have to wonder what it’s like to go without food or wonder if you’re going to be able to pay rent.

There will inevitably be that jackass that kicks someone out and makes them homeless because they can’t pay rent, probably a few jackasses. That is going to happen, it’s the reality of the situation that we’re in right now.

What happens to how we treat each other when this comes to its seemingly undying end?

We know they knew about the Corona Virus back in January, and as angry as I am about that fact, I feel like we need to focus on the now. I  am seeing a lot less of my creator friends asking for people to support their artwork, afraid to ask for support in times when so many across the globe are suffering.

Michael Lewis is saying that it’s not surprising a President who didn’t want to know about his government, is completely unprepared. Great. Could we have leaders who actually DO care enough about us and our government in charge next time please?

I am feeling anxious about everything lately, in particular because I am an isolationist, but also and more importantly because when I do go out into the world now I see everything in my local mall closed, with the exception of the food court and the Dollar Store.

It feels eerie, it feels strange and scary and although we’re prepared if we can’t leave the house, I know so many that can’t afford that small luxury.

There are so many who deal with mental health issues who can’t get into see their Psychiatrists, or Doctors and that can sometimes be the only communication they have with the outside world.

What about those who buy and sell weed? Sometimes the only people a weed dealer sees is their customers and vice versa. It can be a deeply personal connection, because a lot gets said in those smoking pot sessions, friendships are bred during those times.

There are so many consequences of this virus that they can’t all be counted, but one thing is absolutely certain, I am scared.

My mom is the result of life after a world filled with Nazi’s, she was born in 1953, so her life and my life are vastly different. She focuses her energy on working, I focus on mine on writing, which is I guess could be considered work, but the point is I have access to the digital world in ways she’ll never understand.

I’m okay, but I get frustrated with her easily, which just makes her more anxious, this is a result of being stuck together in the middle of a pandemic…too much of one person can drive you nuts.

We spent a pretty penny on groceries yesterday and yet somehow we still forgot cooking oil, carrots, onions and green onions….these are the list of my complaints. I don’t have it that bad. I don’t have a lot to complain about, which leads me to being so grateful not just in general but to my mom specifically who is so smart, and protective of us both.

I am worried for the Truck Drivers who have to face the Fast and Furious idiots who are trying to hijack them as we speak for supplies. Because that’s fucking happening apparently.

I am worried for Doctors in the “free world” who don’t have access to proper medical equipment and sanitary supplies.

My mom was broken up when she found out that Canadian Doctors were in tears during a Press conference today.

I think what’s keeping me calm is knowing that I can’t imagine how overwhelmed and afraid they all must be to take this virus home to their own families, knowing their presence in this time is absolutely perimount to the world’s survival.

If the nerds took over the world as the 90s predicted they would, it is up to the Nurses and Doctors to save it, those are our super heros now.

And Plumbers everyone forgets how important a good Plumber is.

In some places the Earth is recovering from the lack of human interaction, but with the way people are buying and will inevitably go through their supplies, that’s not going to last….what happens when the landfills are full?

There are entire communities that will never be touched by Covid 19, who will survive us all because they have no contact with the outside world.

We’ve found space to laugh in the midst of this crisis and that has helped ease the pain a little bit, but what happens when we run out of laughter? What will we do then?

There is only so much that we can ask of each other in these times, so if and when you can, ask yourself to be kind.

Today a man asked me if I had any change, and after spending a ridiculous amount of money on enough groceries to last the rest of the month, I had to say twice, to two separate men, “I have nothing,” because it was true. I had nothing…so I gave him my cart.

I gave another man a bag of bottles, and I had more if I’d been less stoned I’d have been smart enough to collect them all and give him the whole set, because it’s the fucking least I can do.

I know that it’s going to turn out for the best, but I just wonder how long that best is going to take…how much damage is going to be caused before it’s done with it’s initial sweep this pandemic of ours?

Scary times my friends.

Keep your family close and safe if you can,

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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