I have been struggling with what to say these last few days, so I decided I guess it was best to say nothing.
My life right now feels like that movie where Bill Murray wakes up and every day is the same except for small differences that remind him he has something important to learn.
Yeup. I fucking get that, I feel that to my core. I have something to learn I am just not sure what it is that I am supposed to be learning. I feel like I am done or almost done with esoterically investigating all the pieces of my past that brought me where I am today.
In all honesty I know I have to start getting off my ass and going for a walk, but that’s a thing I used to do with my dog and now that he is gone it feels weird to go walking without him. Especially because two Christmas’ later and people still ask where he is when they see me.
Anyone whose seen me outside in the last ten years has seen me with either Rosie or Whalley, both of whom died. So it still stings when I go out there and hear “where’s your dog?” and yes, that is completely and utterly a bullshit excuse because I have gotten comfortable in my isolation, even though that isolation is slowly breaking down my body.
I keep having this…I suppose it could be called a vision, but it feels more like a fantasy of myself in the future. I’ve published a book and in the midst of a book signing I look back to the back of the line, only to see someone who looks exactly like me only younger, staring forward with excitement.
I have had that feeling my entire life, my younger self was stuck for years looking forward, so much that I missed so many signs that could have changed my life. Now my present self is stuck looking both backwards and forwards and I am not entirely sure how to break that cycle.
I went to read a blog today, and I realized I was so jealous of the author’s journey of going back to school, that I didn’t read it the way I should have I feel bad about that, but I also realize that jealousy for me is a negative trigger and I am trying hard to avoid those.
They are like microscopic time bombs just waiting to go off, and no matter what I do the jealousy, anxiety, shame, depression and guilt seem to continuously attack the fragile balance I am trying to create inside my mind, but I’m still trying.
The world is in the middle of a pandemic, I feel like I am in my mind at least, trapped inside a mental hospital watching the world around me burn as I sit smoking a cigarette not sure of what to say or do, how to help or where I should be going. So I am just standing there, watching, not really trying to understand but at the same time completely confused by my fellow human beings.
Some people are all about helping others, other people are being ordered by the highest courts in the United States of America to hand over thousands upon thousands of bottles of hand sanitizer.
Really? You’re such a fucking dick that you would capitalize on the greatest fears of your fellow humans during a pandemic? Face palm, of course you exist, because if anything could or would possibly potentially exist, it would be a jackass whose all about price gouging in the middle of a fucking pandemic.
My childhood mind would tell me that if that is true, then the opposite has to exist as well, and maybe we could be that opposite. I just want to sit back and watch for awhile longer.
I know there will come a time, a precipice when I absolutely have to pick a side and make a decision about what I want to do with the rest of my life, but since it doesn’t have to be right now I am going to keep working towards the goals of my future by working in my present.
I don’t really want to be a apart of a world where the President of the United States of America tries to buy the fucking vaccine in the middle of a pandemic, so sitting on the sidelines suits me right now, even though I’m vocal on Twitter.
I could be doing more by getting out there into the world, but this, this place where I can say what I want because Freedom of Speech this is what I want.
All around the world people are doing their best to keep their spirits up, and they’re doing an amazing job. Comedy is being used to fight against fear and it’s really quite beautiful, like a rainbow in the middle of a war zone.
But, is it just me or does this feel sort of like the calm before the storm? I mean sure yes there are plenty of people who are absolutely panicked, who have personally witnessed the harm that can come from Covid 19,
I just feel like something bigger and maybe scarier is around the corner. I think we’re being prepared for something, because as humanity evolves so will the diseases that come our way. History has proven that time and time again. There will always be Pestilence in the air.
From the Bubonic Plague, to Smallpox to Ebola, diseases have always existed, and humans have always gotten sick, but more importantly than that we survived.
Any disease that has attempted to target one specific demographic has left behind those willing to fight for better medical care for all. Societies have survived far worse than Covid 19, and it feels like we will again, which isn’t to say we shouldn’t panic and be afraid, by any means.
We should be fucking terrified, because there are people out there, people of power largely on the Republican side of the world, believing that now is a perfect time go gather in large numbers instead of self isolate and socially distance ourselves like every important Doctor on the planet is telling us we should.
What the fuck.
If there really is a God and a Devil, there is definitely a light and a dark, there are those who are watching the world burn trying to find the best solution to help, and others who actively light the fucking torch.
We are seeing the light bringers, the torch carriers do exactly what the fucking Bible said they would do and frankly I am a little curiously interested.
I like this story because it adds majick to the equation of what we are experiencing right now and right now I need a little majick in my life. Majick gives us the idea that humans can survive at great odds, it inspires us to believe that things will get better because the good guys always win.
We need that belief right now, we need to believe that we will survive this, what we don’t need to do is hoard sanitizer and fucking toilette paper.
What we don’t need is to make it harder on those who are already suffering the worst from the after effects of the disease, let alone the disease itself.
What we don’t need is for people to be telling us not to listen to Doctors and Nurses who are on the front fucking lines of this thing, exhausted to their core doing everything they can to actually save the planet. They’re fucking super hero’s, and their super powers are that of healing.
See? Majick. Hero’s are everywhere right now and while I am most certainly not one of them I am absolutely in awe of everything the people of this planet are doing to keep the spirits up of those around the world.
This is precisely why the internet should be free for every person on the planet. This is precisely why humans should have access to internet in every corner of the planet, for days like this when we’re worried about whether or not we’re going to actually die from an international pandemic.
When our leaders are refusing to lead, we get the chance to use that hope to prove to them that we’re not as dumb as they think we are.
This is the revolution that V was talking about in V for Vendetta. It wasn’t he wanted everyone to just stand up to their government, he wanted the timing to be right so they would understand why it was important to remember the power of the people. For days like this.
For days when the President of the United States of America is a blithering four year old ponce.
We’re going to be okay. I truly believe that.
To those who give me hope, I’m sending all my love
Devon J Hall