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Finding Love

I am genuinely in love with this person that I am becoming. She is strong and powerful, she is beautiful and courageous and she doesn’t care what other people think about her body.

She is the me that I have always wanted to be, but didn’t know how to become.

Yesterday I read a post by a twitter user named Tiffany Richardson who wrote about finding love.

I love everything she wrote, but the problem is that you can’t find love until you learn to love yourself, and for the first time I have a sort of maybe idea of what that means.

It means really doing the work to go through everything you’ve been through if not with someone else than with yourself.

Last year I was on a Podcast called Essential Conversations  (@EssencetialConv )where I talked about being a self healing and understanding what it means to experience an existential crisis. They called me an Expert and I sort of feel like that’s what I am trying to become.

I spent the last year and a half going over every single terrible awful thing that happened to me, and all the different ways I responded, and I realize that I wouldn’t change a single thing that happened to me except being raped and sexually abused. I would change that in a heart beat.

Don’t get me wrong, I love who I am, but I really wish it didn’t take being a part of a fake Satanic Biker club cult that was taking advantage of innocent children to get here. My life would be different and I honestly think it would be a better different.

That being said I don’t know what’s coming next and as afraid as I am, I am also excited to see who I finally become when this transitional phase is over.

I have learned to love myself, because I have no other choice. I am the only person in this body, I am the only person who thinks the way I do, who is genetically made up the way I am, no one is like me and no one is ever going to be like me again.

I learned to love myself because the thought of being miserable for the rest of my life was too much to take. That doesn’t mean that I am ready to let someone else love me yet though. I am comfortable with myself, and I am not ready to challenge this comfort. It’s too new and too precious for me to give up so that I can share this comfort with someone else.

We need to recognize that there is a difference between needing love and wanting love, when we need love its usually because we’re not doing what we need to do to love ourselves. We’re not taking care of our deepest desires, or needs, and we’re hoping someone else can fill the void.

You’ve read it a thousand times because it’s absolutely true. I love this new song called “Know Your Worth”, because it takes about finding someone who knows your worth, well before you can do that, do you know your worth? Do you know how important you are to the overall scheme of the universe? Do you understand the important role you play in the history of planet Earth?

Because until you are truly aware of who you are and what you need in a relationship, you are going to keep living the same toxic bullshit cycle that you’ve been living until you decide to get off the ride.

The night I was gang raped in 2016, I promised them that I would keep my mouth shut if they let me live. They let me live and for a few years I did keep my mouth shut, but then they started harassing me in the street and all bets were off. Out of a sense of self preservation I decided to report what happened to me as a child and in 2016 to the police, because I needed to end the cycle.

Even after everything they put me through I had the darkest need to go back to my old friends because there was too much comfort in the darkness. I’ve only just broken that cycle, so I am not ready to test the waters with anyone new yet and that includes friends.

I’ve said that before but I am saying it again because I want you to ask yourselves if you truly are in a place where you can have a healthy relationship.

Relationships take work, effort, understanding and authenticity, and when we’re in a place of still healing raw scars that we’ve only begun to acknowledge we are too often not ready to be in a full time committed relationship.

When you think about how much you miss love, ask yourself if you are ready to be the support someone else needs, because if you can’t commit yourself one hundred percent to any new kinds of relationships, then there really is no point in trying, you are doomed for failure.

We have to be emotionally ready to let people into our lives, and when we’re not ready the manifestations of our unpreparedness can be absolutely devastating to all involved, and that’s why after all these years this is why I am still single.

When you are emotionally prepared and ready, the Universe will most definitely provide the love you seek, but while you’re waiting, focus that energy on being your happiest healthiest self.

It will lead to a much more experience with new relationships all around.

To all those seeking love in all it’s beautiful forms, Te Amo, I love you.

Devon J Hall

 

 

 

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