I am genuinely trying to trust in God….and that’s coming from someone who believes absolutely that God exists.
I just don’t understand my life, and while I know that my choices are the reason that I am where I am, I don’t quite understand what the point of this is.
My mom told me that an old friend of mine – the woman who is the reason I am still alive, is living on the streets again, after years of struggling with poverty and addiction.
That news broke my heart because the last time we spoke she was doing well. I cut her out of my life because I was in a bad place, but she is legit the reason that I am still alive.
So why the fuck am I the one who has Doctors and Nurses and a support system when she is not? What the fuck did I do to deserve this blessed life when she has to struggle so hard?
“Would you switch places,” well no of course not, but I don’t want anyone living homeless and in poverty, especially people whom I love.
I don’t know how to help her, I don’t know how to find her, I don’t know what I can do to help so today for the first time in years I prayed, genuinely, for someone else and it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
I grew up in a situation that brainwashed me into being afraid of God, which translated to me growing angry at God in the worst ways.
I love God today in ways that I haven’t in recent years, but there is a part of me that still wonders what the fucking plan is.
Last night I had a dream that I was searching for a file and no matter how close I got to having it in my hands, it was just out of reach, a clear sign that something is still missing in my life.
I don’t understand a lot of things about the universe, but what I least understand is how the law of balance dictates that some must suffer while others rise.
I am incredibly blessed to be in the situation that I am in, but at any moment I know that I could lose everything. It just takes one accident, one moment of weakness and everything I know to be true can absolutely choose and in any second everything I’ve been gifted by the universe can be taken away.
God, or the idea of God, has shown me that there are many amazing, truly amazing people in the world doing their bit to ease the burden of others, and I’ve learned how important a life’s mission that is, but it feels some days like a drop in the bucket.
It’s hard to see how my city is changing, knowing that people are dying in the streets every day and while it isn’t that no one cares, it’s that no one is entirely sure how to stem the flow of drugs into the system.
There is much money to be made in death, and sadly that means that the lives of those I love and remember fondly will be affected not only by their choices but by demons they do not have the strength to overcome. ~Devon J Hall
There is solace in that quote, but there is also frustration with it, because it’s not fair that billionaires who actively promote the use of narcotics are making money on the many millions of lives that are impacted by the use of those drugs.
It’s not fucking fair. And I say that knowing that the Universe has a law about their being balance. For every person that suffers there is another who overcomes, but it just feels like those who are struggling, with more than just drug and homelessness issues, are losing against those who are taking advantage of us.
It’s frustrating, and I don’t know how to combat that, so I pray and I find solace in knowing that I am putting positive energy into the universe whenever possible. It’s not easy, because it’s not fucking enough. I feel like I should be out there on the front lines again, serving meals and helping people get into recovery.
I also know however, that where I am at mentally and spiritually, I am of no use to anyone until I heal from this trauma and post traumatic stress from everything I survived. I have to heal before I can help others, and I am not quite there yet, but I am working on it.
With the support of my followers and friends, I am working on it, so thank you for your support. It’s because of your support that I can still have faith in the idea of God.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall