Sometimes I wonder genuinely why it is that I am not further ahead in the world than I wish I were, until I realize that I am exactly where I need to be.
Two days ago I saw one of the men who was in the room the night I was gang raped. This was a person I liked, respected and even to a certain extent loved, a person I enjoyed spending time with.
For many months I’ve been wondering if there was some way that maybe one day I could “go back” to some of the people in that group. I realized today that no I can’t go backwards.
There’s never going to be a time I feel safe or secure around those people. Once that feeling of safety and security is destroyed there is no going backwards. I’ll never again not wonder if they’re thinking of doing it again. I’ll never feel safe again.
So I am in this place where I am incredibly isolated, my old friends and I no longer talk and I have moved into this place of healing that doesn’t include anyone I used to know and I am oddly at peace with it.
There are so many people from my past that I miss, and I honestly think that if they’re meant to be in my life they will be there when the time is right but until or if that happens, I am unconcerned with whether or not they are here now. I am silently wishing them all the best and hoping they have good happy lives filled with joy and laughter, but I don’t feel the need to miss them.
I am content with my isolation.
I think it’s because at the end of the day I am so focused on learning about what I could have, would have, should have, might have done differently, that it’s just easier to do it alone.
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my behaviour in relation to other people, about my choices, my needs, my desires and this includes my failures and mistakes and that’s been really helpful in letting me be glad I am alone right now.
There are a lot of things that I am grateful for, but a lot that I wish I could change and even some that I am embarrassed by.
I am in this place where I am constantly afraid that those men will come back and hurt me again. I am afraid that I will have to choose between surviving and dying, again.
I don’t ever want to be made to feel like I might die again, and thus the answer is simple. It is better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who make you feel like crap.
I am excited about my writing these days in ways I haven’t been for years. I am working on not one but two different books. Both of which are incredibly different from each other, and I am inspired to be myself these days instead of worrying what other people might think.
The day I saw him I realized I never again have to get my nails done, or spend money on outfits that are uncomfortable and binding, I never again have to be pretend to be something that I am not.
I am going to start creating paid only content and I am excited about that particular side of my writing, because I need to start focusing on making this writing a reality.
What are you excited about? Do you ever feel like you have to pretend to be something you’re not? how do you handle it?
Let me know in the comments below.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
3 thoughts on “I am okay.”
Hi! I love this post for so many reasons but the one that jumped out to me specifically is the first part. When I finally got a minute to myself to start healing from my gang rape, I felt the exact opposite of your words, in that I was extremely sad to have cut off everything I was before I was assaulted. But I didn’t kno the ppl too well, so our situations differ a bit.
Also, I am also wildly excited about writing again & trying to make it profitable for me, as it’s been my passion for as long as I can remember. I kinda got away from it bc it became an outlet for only pain so it wasn’t necessarily enjoyable for years.
I just want to say good luck in your endeavors & it is wonderful to hear of someone else healing from what I kno to bre such a great pain. ❤
Oh my God, I so went through sadness, like I was losing a part of myself. So I understand that. I am so sorry you went through this too but I am glad you reached out, it really helps to know that I am not alone. I too am excited about sharing my writing and getting ready to start putting myself out there as a professional writer, I can’t pay you but if you ever want to submit something to Brown Girl you’re more than welcome. Thank you so much for reaching out Ivory. ❤
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Hi Ivory, I am just seeing this comment, so many months after you sent it. I am so sorry.
Everyone’s experience is definitely going to be different, but how you feel about your experience is no less valid. I am really glad to hear that you are pouring yourself into your work. It’s a great healing technique but more than that it’s time for you to become the butterfly you are.