So I want to talk about sex, sexuality and BDSM. Because it’s one of the things that helped me discover my deepest sexual and psychological needs, after being abused.
That being said, if you are easily triggered, please do not read this post, I explain things in detail that may trigger shame or guilt in you and I really do not want to be a part of your deconstruction.
Like I said above, when I first started trying to understand what was wrong with me, specifically, I discovered BDSM. At about seventeen or so, and I loved the idea of having a “Daddy Dom”. For me at the time it was about the forbidden, largely because I had been abused so badly, this was something that used to turn me on.
The idea of having a “Daddy” was purely sexual when I first discovered bdsm, and had nothing to do with actual Daddy Domination. It wasn’t psychological, it was sexual, pure, dirty forbidden sex.
It wasn’t until I hit my late twenties that I began to understand the true relationship between a Real Daddy Dominant, and his submissive, and that was when the game changed.
Suddenly it was about someone who had authority over you, who pushed you to be the best version of yourself. Suddenly I realized, it was about having a partner who understood that sometimes you need to “go little”, which could mean anything from talking in a little child like voice, or curling up to watch cartoons and colour.
Stoner’s do this all the time, and it has nothing to do with sex, it’s about the psychological need to not be an adult for awhile. It’s about giving yourself permission to take a break and go sit on a swing and have someone push you over and over again, because that’s what we used to do when we were kids and it was more comfortable than dealing with the adult bullshit.
Suddenly, I didn’t want a Daddy Dominant anymore, I wanted someone who wanted to take care of me, in a way that I never had been before. And I wasn’t finding it online. I spent a great deal of time talking with men all over the world, and women, who were into the same fetishes and kinks that I was into, and the more I talked to them the more I began to understand my own sexual desires.
More importantly I began to trigger memories of being abused, that at first I was able to handle in small chunks. It was only when the sheer enormity of what happened to me had been revealed to me, that I began to break down and reject the idea of ever having a Daddy Dom, let alone a healthy relationship.
Largely because once it hit me, that I had survived “so” much, in so many disturbed and insane ways, I began to understand that there wasn’t any comfort that would be derived from a BDSM type relationship.
I had so many rules and secrets to keep while I was being abused, that I naturally rebuffed and rebuked any kind of authority, especially when that authority came from men. Specifically so.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that I will always have my “little self” who talks in a small voice, but I no longer get off, so to speak, from the same things sexually I did when I was seventeen.
Largely because BDSM, and my partners in the lifestyle, of which there were many, helped me discover that I no longer need to do the same things I used to. I believe it’s called Growing Up.
Sexually speaking, I still enjoy being Dominated, but in order for that to happen I have to find someone who can match me intellectually – which isn’t to say I am smarter than most men, but I prefer men who challenge me. In a way that isn’t demeaning or disrespectful.
For instance I once went out with a man who told me I didn’t want children. On the first date. This is not conducive to me being excited to be with him in bed. What he was really saying was that he didn’t want children, and he was making the decision for me, without really getting to know or care about what I wanted.
I do in fact want children. I want to be with someone who cares about what I want, and more importantly, feels the need to be around me. Rather than someone who wants to try and dominate my body, or my choices, I want someone who is willing to fight with me a little bit. Because strength is a turn on, both physically and emotionally, without being abusive about it.
I know what I want in a partner now because I chose to go down the rabbit whole of sexual abuse, and BDSM helped me figure that out.
The problem however is that there is a lot of abuse in the bdsm community, and I am sure guilty of my own emotional abuse. This comes largely from people who are interested in BDSM but not really interested in the psychology part of their kinks.
In order to practice this art form safely, you must understand why it is you are interested in the things you are, and not many people are strong enough to dissect their kinks verbally, let alone intellectually.
A lot of people consider women in short skirts to be sexy, in of itself that’s no big deal, add plaid and suddenly you’re a pedophile. I don’t think this is true. It’s not the skirt that makes the outfit sexy, it’s the mentality of authority one person has over another, that makes the situation sexy. At least in my personal opinion, that being said I’ll never wear a plaid skirt, and call myself a school girl to have sex again. I don’t have to because too many times that idea was used against me as a weapon.
Sexuality is not a weapon, it’s a part of the human condition that we must work to understand so that we can practice our fetishes and kinks safely without causing harm to our partners.
I am not innocent in this experience, over the years that I spent trying to understand my sexuality and thus what happened to me, I hurt several men on my journey. For that I am forever sorry, but I am also grateful to them for teaching me how to be a better version of myself.
In a healthy BDSM relationship there is respect, communication and a deep understanding of what the other person needs. Just like any relationship, that is even remotely healthy.
There is a power dynamic that rarely needs to be crossed, and a safe word just in case. I think personally I will be a better partner to my future person, largely because I studied BDSM so extensively, but I also think that it has left shadows of doubt and shame that may never heal.
That’s all I have to say about that. What do you think?
Sending all my love,