This post is dedicated to @Que_Hill, to taught me how to do this, even though I am not sure he knew that was what he was doing.
For most of this last year as some of you might know, I have remained well and truly stoned. I don’t drink that much and being stoned allowed me to find layers inside of myself that I didn’t really know existed.
Sometime around May/April I started dancing around my apartment, and then I started singing along to songs. I found within myself the ability to sustain several contusions without feeling pain, and I discovered this by using my legs as drums, without meaning to really hurt myself. I wasn’t trying to, but I did, I had giant purple and black bruises on my legs for weeks, but I never felt a thing.
I had all this energy that I was trying to burn off, and it was an angry visceral kind of anger that I couldn’t rid myself of.
Then I started meditating.
I would for hours listen to music, turning the world off by plugging my headphones into my phone and ignoring everything around me. I cut everyone out of my life and focused on getting to know just me again, who I was, who I had been, who I could be, I needed this time to really get to know myself.
Eventually the meditation started taking over, and I found that I was doing this even while sitting up and having a smoke, listening to music, I was listening to the different thoughts rolling through my head for hours on end without saying a word. I found an inner peace and a silence that I hadn’t realized I needed.
When I was finished listening, I started getting really fucking angry again. Angry that my childhood had been stolen, my teen years desecrated and my early twenties in a kind of recovery I didn’t know I was experiencing.
Looking back now I realize that what I was experiencing in my twenties was PTSD. I had trained myself to forget, to refuse to acknowledge what I was going through, when a friend asked me what “Angel” had done to earn my loyalty I remember distinctly unable to respond. It was as if I had forgotten how to speak English.
I couldn’t explain that we had been the children of a secret cult of sex traffickers who had sexually abused us and that he had always been there when it was over to hug me until I fell asleep in his arms. I couldn’t explain that I loved him, because he loved me.
In a healthy way, he loved me like a friend and gave me something to hold onto, I didn’t have the words to tell this friend, that I needed Angel in my life. Like I needed water.
Going through this meditative process helped me to vocalize out loud why I was feeling the way I had been feeling in ways I never experienced before.
But it’s only recently that I learned what I’ve really been doing this last year is opening up my heart chakra.
Que talks a lot about the Collective and hearing voices when you meditate. At first I thought I was going crazy, until I realized that what I was hearing was in all reality, the voices of those I loved encouraging me to continue doing what I was doing, because I was starting to feel better.
I’ve come to this place of understanding, that if I hear a voice or feel a tap on my body, it’s the spirit’s way of letting me know that I am on the right or wrong track.
When I meditate now I take an active roll in how I allow my thoughts to form, instead of passively letting negative thoughts in, I appreciate them when they come and send them along with a little bit of love. By that, I mean I am learning to vocalize my thoughts.
Last night for instance I went through a list of things I remember from my childhood, and I deliberately focused on the positive things I remember, the moments in time when I had hope, faith, and belief that things would get better, instead of focusing on the negative moments when things went from bad to worse.
So I thought I would compile a list of things that might help you find your heart chakra, and help you to open up and release some of that darkness you might be holding inside.
A lot of these might be things you are already doing, in which case you’re on the right path so keep it up. Some of these might be techniques you’ve never heard of before, in which case I recommend doing them with a friend, because sometimes it can get scary and heart breaking, which I’ll explain later on in the post.
- Music – Some people say that you can’t meditate with music, because you can’t focus, which is fucking stupid. Music helps calm your mind depending on what kind of music you’re using. I have compiled a list of my favorite meditative videos which you can find here.
- Dancing is really great for getting rid of negative emotions and energies and can add a cleansing to your home in many ways that just cleaning the house cannot. I highly recommend dancing as often as possible even though I haven’t done it in quite awhile, this was one of the most healing parts of the meditative process for me.
- Brahma Breathing. It’s an old form of deliberately breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth, which is opposite to how our bodies are trained to breath. This focuses your breathing and forces you to focus on your breathing instead of focusing on your thoughts, I found it to be quite helpful.
- Vocalizing your thoughts out loud – this one might seem strange, but sometimes I get so tired of the nightmare way my thoughts combine that it helps to vocalize them out loud. I talk often about the things I remember or what I would like for my future. This helps keep my mind on track and allows me to really think about what it is what I want and need, versus what I am supposed to think I want or need.
One of the things I’ve learned through this process is that sometimes I won’t always feel calm. In the middle of a meditation I’ve been known to start bawling my eyes out and it can be scary when that happens, but what is really happening is that your body mind and soul are working together to release the pain you didn’t know you were holding on to.
This is actually quite normal, and totally healthy and incredibly helpful to releasing that toxic negative energy we’re holding onto, so if in the middle of a meditation you start crying, if in the middle of dancing you find yourself falling to the floor in tears, consider it good. Consider yourself on the right track.
Another thing you might try is actively while your eyes are closed, focusing your attention on the chakra that you are working with. By that I mean if your intent is to focus on your heart, then focus your mind’s eyes on your heart. If you are focusing on your throat, same deal close your eyes and focus your attention on your throat, see what happens. I’d love for you to share your experience with me in the comments below.
Good meditation is a part of self care, so it might take a little while but I have faith you can do it.
If you have other suggestions or tips please feel free to let us know in the comments below. I hope this post has been helpful and I wish you luck on working with your Chakra’s. I haven’t quite learned to work with all of them yet, but I am trying.
It’s A Hard Knock Life…For A Brown Girl
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