When I meditate, a lot of stuff comes out that I just flat out don’t want to deal with. Like the question of relationships. I decided a long time ago, like when I was five, I didn’t want them.
I wanted to be left the hell alone to develop naturally, but as we all know, that damned well didn’t happen.
I had my choice between men that wanted to fuck me, men who wanted to rape me, and men who saw me with no purpose to them what so ever. My entire development to this point has been decided by men, and it frustrated me so badly that this year I decided I didn’t want anyone around at all.
No friends, no relationships, no one at all was going to stop me from having time to myself, I became in a sense my own damned music.
I can’t say I’ve been thrilled with the results, but it has occurred to me that I really dislike humanity, in almost all it’s tangled webs and forms.
To this day all of my favorite actors are male, my favorite singers, also male. Men have warped who I could have been, if they had just left me alone, and rather than be bitter about that, I have found inside of myself a deep profound understanding.
I am never going to be the kind of woman who settles down for a man, no matter who that man is, I wish people would understand this.
Part of this understanding comes from the fact that my mother has never once been the kind of woman who settled for a man. She had two children to raise and little to no money, and so she did what almost all single moms do. She made a choice, she decided to be a mother, and a working one at that.
She forwent the idea of having a man by her side, because she had discovered in her experience they were far more trouble than they were worth. I don’t know if that’s true about all men, but it’s certainly true about the ones I’ve been introduced to.
I’ve never had a real strong desire to go past getting laid, I’ve never thought about what a relationship would entail, and now that I am free of men all I can say is Thank Christ.
I don’t want to be tied down yet, I only just stopped being abused by men, why the fuck would I want to risk this balance that I have found, however tenuous it might be? The answer is that I don’t.
Which is why I get so frustrated by people in my life who talk down to me. I am a thirty-six year old woman, and yet people still treat me as if I am a child who needs to be scolded in public, rather than an adult human being. This is not by the way because I behave like a child, it’s because people have come to the conclusion that it’s perfectly acceptable to talk to others however they choose without thinking about the consequences of their actions.
Usually I can brush it off, but yesterday I was made to feel like I didn’t have a right to exist, I was treated like an errand girl, which isn’t new, and told to be nice to a woman who can barely remember my name, even though she gave birth to me and isn’t diagnosed with any form of dementia.
I am tired of being nice to people because it’s the proper thing to do. I am tired of being treated like a child and more than that I am tired of being told to behave and keep my mouth shut in circles wherein other people are praised for speaking out.
I was arrested last year because I had a panic attack, if I had been white people would be telling me what a hero I am. But because, and yes because, of the fact that I am a Black woman, I was told to sit down and shut up. I’m not allowed to be angry about the fact that it happened to me, and if I am angry about it, I am not allowed to talk about it.
I am my own music.
I am my own champion, and at this point in my life, I wish people would understand that’s all I ever wanted to be.
A loud mouth brown girl, whose left alone by the world, to grow as she should have grown, without being told to be quiet and behave.
That’s all I have today.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall