I have been debating whether or not to detail my sexual assault experiences here on the blog, and the reason that I haven’t is because I don’t want this to turn into some kind of sick play ground for grown ass men who get off on that.
It’s enough that I know I was raped at five years old by my baby-sitters boyfriend, molested before that by my Priest as I was being baptized, enough to know that Father Alex raped me in the vault of Saint James’ Church in Calgary. I don’t need to create a record of them, but at what point do I get to exhale and say enough is enough?
At what point do the manifestations of this abuse just stop? At what point do I get to find some semblance of peace in the chaos that has been my life? That’s what I am focused on finding now, and it’s frustrating because the men in my life seem to have ideas on how I should be healing, without actually questioning whether or not it’s what is right for me.
I don’t want to talk about abuse for the rest of my life, this is not a battle I want to have to fight. I am tired.
I tried writing love letters today and it felt like a disingenuous act of rebellion, because nothing feels quite right any more. The more stories I acknowledge from my past experience, the more I am just disgusted and the more I feel like my body has been desecrated by abuse.
There is no exit strategy, no amount of thinking about suicide or committing it that is going to make me feel better. I know that the pain isn’t going to stop if I kill myself, I mean sure it will for me, but what about my family and friends? How can I put them through that? The answer is I can’t, it would be giving up and that’s not who I am any more. I don’t give up on myself, but it fucking hurts. Like it physically hurts me to think about abuse, because it’s the only thing I can focus on.
More and more survivors are reaching out to offer condolences and support, love and genuine concern and it’s helping a lot in making me feel less alone, but still I wonder, what happens next?
At what point do I get my life back and become more than just another voice on the internet?
That’s where I am tonight,
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall