#AfterAbuseChat: What have you learned since acknowledging your abuse?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this year, I’ve learned a lot about myself since acknowledging the memories that have haunted me most of my life.

First of all I am tenacious as hell, but I am also afraid of a lot of things that I shouldn’t have to be afraid of. Like men, I am genuinely terrified of men. This isn’t my fault, this is due to more than twenty-six years of being abused by boys and men who think my life matters less then their immediate pleasure.

I’ve learned that I have identified every single man and boy who raped me, and I did so in a way that forced people to listen to my story, graphic as it is.

I was strong enough to tell my story, and stronger still to kick everyone out of my life so that I could heal the way I needed to, without being a burden to the people that I love. Because that’s what I needed to do.

It’s hard knowing that my childhood and formative twenties were spent being a victim who was passed around, without in the moment, being able to really say “this is what is happening to me.

It’s easier now, that I am a little more removed from the abusers, from the users and the people who knew, and I am a little less bitter about it, but I am finding this strange sensation of not being able to get angry about it any more.

I’m too tired to get angry about it any more. It’s over it’s done, and I am safe now, thanks to so many people I have lost count.

I made my report to the RCMP, I handed in my journals and now I am waiting for them to do something, even though I have sort of given up hope that they will since I haven’t heard a word from anyone in four months.

My friend Heather has been actively taking them on in Kelowna, so I told her I didn’t see the point of making another report, and she sort of agreed with me. The RCMP doesn’t really care about sex crimes and never really have. So this is where I am at, wondering when and if I will ever receive justice for what Sean Garfield, Chris Tucker and the others like Giles and Harms have done to me.

I doubt it, so I am choosing to move on, and hope that one day Karma does her thing and gets them back for me, I am choosing to move on, I keep telling myself because I have no other choice.

I can’t sit in the misery and the shame forever, so I am trying. That’s all I have this week.

Author: Devon J Hall

Devon J Hall is a thirty-eight-year-old Writer and Author from Surrey, British Columbia by way of Calgary Alberta. She lives with three cats, one mother, and is addicted to coffee, cigarettes, and weed, not necessarily in that order.

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