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I kind of forgot what kind of Witch I am

When ever you tell anyone you’re a Witch, the first question is always “are you a good Witch or a bad Witch?” which is the dumbest fucking question, because that’s like asking what kind of Christian someone is, or what kind of Buddhist. “Are you a fucking asshole?” would be a much more appropriate question.

The only difference between a good Christian and me is that I believe that Majick is the scientific art of understanding science that cannot yet be explained. I coined that shit, cause it’s awesome and true.

It’s the idea that anything is possible, you know? This is important because to answer that question you have to understand I’m mostly a selfish asshole whose only ever really being helpful when someone is in true need.

I don’t mean to be arrogant or anything, it’s just for like eight years my job was to help people who lived on the street, who needed food and clothing, who needed someone to yell at or blame for their problems. I was also the person that a lot of my friends blamed for shit, because I was the quiet one who tried her best not to cause a stir.

I was easy to forget for a lot of people, because I stopped standing up for myself, I got too busy standing up for others to worry about standing up for myself.

I’m telling you this because today I bought a sandwich for a guy who got kicked out of first a grocery store and then a pharmacy because he was clearly homeless. I’m not telling you that because I want you to tell me how great I am, I already know it was just the fucking right thing to do, but it made me stop and tell God to do better.

Out loud.

I didn’t deserve to get raped any more than this guy deserved to be hungry and cold, but whatever that’s the way the shit crumbles, until it hit me that I really needed this man. I needed him to remind me what it feels like to be needed by someone.

This man needed someone to say “you’re hungry I’m buying you food”, because he was too afraid to ask, which is why he had tears in his eyes as he stared at me sadly. I needed him to remind me that I have a purpose on this earth, and I needed to remember my purpose because for a little while I let the fucking morons win.

I don’t even call them demons, I call the little negative idiots in my head negative moronic fucking idiots who think that they can get the best of me, by trying to tear me apart with memories of the past.

Memories can’t hurt me any more – I have to keep reminding myself of that, but more importantly than memories not being able to hurt me, neither can those pathetic losers who raped me.

Too many people know the names of the men who raped me, and too many of those people have come forward to tell the truth, many more will come forward if anything happens to me. I was strong enough to make sure that I made back ups of my journals and handed them over to people who could do something about anyone who might come after me. I was strong enough to survive being raped for most of my life, and no matter how hard it got, no matter how many times I thought about it, I never truly wanted to commit suicide.

I went through this period this last year of my life, living like a true zombie. Doing nothing that helps change my situation because I was too busy listening to all the dark negativity caused by being raped. Normally called PTSD.

PTSD has kicked my ass this year, in a monumental way, and every time I gain a little back it feels like I lose a lot of myself, that’s the anxiety. The fear that I’ll never get better, but it hit me today, when I saw this person being kicked out into the cold, shamelessly by people who don’t have the time or patience to be kind really….that this is what I am here for.

As soon as I walked away after giving the man his food, I looked up at the sky and told God to do better. I heard the words “What do you think you’re here for?” right back and I kind of laughed for a minute. Yup, fair enough. Fair e fucking nough.

We all have a purpose on this planet, and it’s not to destroy each other, lie about each other or even necessarily challenge each other, unless we choose that as our purpose. I liked giving that man the food today I liked that I felt needed for the first time in a really long time. It made me feel good to be needed, but the reason for my being needed is fucking stupid.

I live in Canada, one of the richest countries in the world, homeless shouldn’t be happening here, we should have that shit figured out by now, and yet somehow people like me get to sit here in my nice cozy home telling you what a pretentious douchebag I am for talking about the good thing I did today, while my anonymous friend is God’s knows where doing God knows what, probably just lucky to be alive. Yeah it’s one of those posts, but mostly because it clicked today.

I didn’t just learn that I need to be needed to want people in my life, I learned how much I’ve been through, I learned that after everything I’m still fucking here.

I have a warm bed today, I have plans to go away with family eventually, I’m working on my mental health and yes I am counting my blessings out loud, which is rude, but I need to because I need this post to look back at one day so I can remember this when the shit hits the fan and things get hard again.

I hope my insignificant attempt at doing a kindness today shifted something so that man and all the men and women end up with homes in Surrey but I doubt it. It’s a tiny blip, but it helped me a lot so maybe it was more about me than him. It usually is, so I’ll take it.

And I’ll thank God for reminding me, I know who I am. I’m the kind of Witch who can be a bit of a bitch but whose mostly good, because I know what I’d need if I needed, so I give what I can give when I can give.

So does every body else,

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

 

 

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