The following Twitter thread was posted by my friend, and all around Healing Guru Sarah Garlits. Lately I have been feeling more empathy for my rapists than myself, which has pushed me into feeling a sense of complete loss of self. A place of utter depression, I know that I “CAN” get angry I just haven’t had it in me, because I’m too fucking tired to get angry. I decided to share and post this, because it’s so on point with what “survivors” go through after abuse.
As I want this website to be a record of all the amazing women I know, it seems appropriate to put this here. I will not apologize for anything in this post that triggers you or makes you angry. I hope it offends the hell out of you, I hope you realize how serious this whole healing process is for us, I hope you understand, but if you cannot understand…well then I can’t explain it any better to you than Sara has below. Enjoy.
Devon J Hall
People that tell you that you are weak for being angry and/or enforcing a boundary are gas lighting you. That’s what anger is for. To give you the energy and strength to enforce the boundary you are totally allowed to have. No matter what that boundary is. Anger is not a negative emotion. It will not eat you or kill you inside unless you bury it and never express it. It can turn to depression and self destructive activities to cope with it. It is a powerful force and necessary for my healing to move forward.
Anger doesn’t punish me and neither does hate. It is OK for me to hate the people who have hurt me. Other people try to punish me for having emotions other than content/happy. They punish me for not forgiving the abusers. They punish me for speaking about abuse.They don’t like that you get angry when they step over the line? Tough shit. That’s their problem. They say not to respond but has a bully ever left you alone because you tried to ignore them? Bullies only left me alone after I got angry. Passive doesn’t work.
I’m not interested is being the passive docile sheep that society says to be. Forgive, forget, move on, let go, as though the very thing that saves my life(cptsd/DDNOS/DID) is somehow weak or wrong. I say EAT SHIT to all that. I am tougher than any bully or abuser. I will not be silent. Just ignore them, they say. Yeah, just let them get away with it is what they mean. No, FUCK THAT. Make it uncomfortable for them if you have the energy. Fight for yourself and enforce your boundaries.
I know my sassy mouth and saying fuck bothers abusive people a lot. They are SOOOO offended. Too fucking bad. Boohoo, the bully/abuser/shitstain in your mentions is uncomfortable. (An ever so tiny violence plays in the background) GOOD! I am glad I make them uncomfortable.
I am glad they get all butt hurt at me and want to lecture me so I can tell them off and block them out of my life. I WANT them to be uncomfortable with their abusive behavior. I’m glad they shit their pants when I tell them to fuck off. You are not weak for being angry that someone hurt you. You are not weak for speaking out about it. Abusers love to lie and gaslight you into believing any action against them is an offense and YOU are the hurtful one for enforcing a boundary. Watch closely, you will catch it
I don’t forgive or absolve the abusers or the rapists. They can rot waiting for that fucking day. I don’t thing I am angry or hateful ENOUGH toward them yet. I don’t think society is hateful or angry enough to the abusers and rapists either. Society is too busy hating on the victims of abuse and rape. Society is too busy sucking abuser dick and making love story type movies that humanize the inhuman pieces of shit so y’all fawn and trauma bond after a rape scene.
Society is too busy gas lighting survivors so they question their very existence let alone what horrible abuse and rape happened to them rather than go after the actual perpetrators. I will not BE NICE to abusive people. I will not try to coax a shitty person into being nice to me by fawning. Never once did any rapist or abuser be kinder to me or not hurt me as much because I was polite when I asked them not to hurt me. They did it anyway because they could
Spewing that toxic positive vibes , omg forgiveness is everything- bullshit at me will get you blocked. I don’t give 2 shits about your feelings if you are gaslighting, minimizing, or dismissing my pain.
No one gets to tell me how long the healing process is going to take me. Eat shit with your “let it go” you fucking let it go. Your lack of empathy is disgusting. My brain protected me so now I have to process the trauma that would have killed me.
I am doing the work and processing massive amounts of trauma. It is not easy. It is not pretty. It is not enjoyable. If you can’t have compassion then fuck off. You won’t get compassion from me for your ignorance and brainwashing bullshit backfiring in your face. I am angry. It’s good that I’m angry. I used to be afraid of it and hold it in. Made me want to die. I need to be angry to move on to a better life for myself. Fucking look it up. It’s a stage of healing, of grief, of the normal fucking human condition of an abuse survivor.
I am not sorry.