Be un-afraid

I’m watching Sasha Banks talk about depression, and fear, being afraid to do the thing that saved her life, and I can’t even begin to imagine what that might feel like, though I hope one day I will.

I hope to win an Emmy or an Oscar, or both, and a Juno while we’re at it. Best screen play, best film best something, because that’s my dream.

In these tired and dark scary moments, when everything is up in the air, I’m writing as much as I can, whether it’s the hand made love letters, or the reminders to myself that things will turn out okay here on this blog…I am writing.

It’s not the fiction that used to come so easily to me, it’s not the stories I wish I could tell that become vibrant and beautiful the more I speak, but I am writing. I am crafting in my way when I can, so I tend to lean towards the philosophy that it’s okay I didn’t write fiction today or last week or the week before, because at least I am putting words to the canvas that is this blog.

That counts, right?

In watching Banks talk about her experience, her life, it occurs to me that if I had wanted to be in the WWE, I’d be there. If that was where my life was meant to go, if I had been meant to be a super hero Super Star in that ring, with my picture everywhere it’s where I would be. It was never that I didn’t want it enough, it’s that I love that they are my hero’s, I love that I witness them week after week pushing their bodies minds and souls for their dream and that’s what I am doing here. My goal has always been to tell the story of Siddha Lee Saint James and Jason Ford, lovers who love each other but are in completely different places in their lives.

They love each other enough to let go of each other knowing they will always have each other’s back and that’s the story I am telling through this website, slowly but surely, my way in my time. That’s what I was born to do and I’m okay with that, which is strange because I feel like I should be bitter and miserable, but I’m not.

I want to start a clothing line one day for plus size women, with jeans that fit and aren’t ripped, my Goddess could you imagine?

If what you’re doing with your life feels good, then do it, share it and spread it as far and as wide as you can so that other people can watch you feel good, because sometimes we all need to see the ones we love feeling good.

What makes you feel good? What reminds you that life is worth living for?

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