When I was a little girl I had a plan, a plan that I was going to be the person who put my family name on the map. I was going to be the girl who had the interview with Oprah and changed the world.
Then life happened and my grandmother passed away the other day. Mom called me to tell me that I better hurry and get to the hospital, and ten minutes later she called to tell me that the Grande Dame was gone.
Today auntie and mom are planning to have her cremated, there will not be a funeral, no gathering, and no mention of her existence in the paper. Grandma did not want anything mentioning her life or death. She was not the kind of woman who wanted attention, mom says, and in the days of everyone on the planet needing attention that seems so utterly foreign to me.
I do not really know how I feel about all of this, largely because in all honesty, I thought my grandmother hated me. We have not spoken in years really, because the last time I heard her ask about me, she called me Devil, which…was pretty fucking hurtful.
Mom says it was the dementia, in my own insecurities, I wonder honestly if that is true, or if she really just thought I was evil.
This last week I have been an emotional wreck, I lost my tablet, and my wallet, even called the police to report it stolen, had a major panic attack and found it to be a drug interaction between my meds and some pot I had smoked that was clearly not the right strain for me.
My computer has not been working right and I need a new one, and I somehow got it into my head that I would like to start selling jewelry along side these letters that I have been writing, and I genuinely was ready to give up this website and just quit, because I forgot that when you want something truly, you have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with it, in order to earn that top spot of whatever your goal is. I let myself down this week, and all I can think now is…That is not how Nana would do it.
Nana did not cry or complain, she just got shit done, and she did not ask for help or plead with God as far as I am aware, she just lived her life, and expected that things would work out the way they were supposed to. This is the woman that I want to be when I grow up, the woman who lived with a kind and quiet grace, except that I cannot as I am the Loud Mouth Brown Girl.
I hope she would look down one day and be proud but I cannot live my life in ways that expects pride from others, I can only do what I can do…so rest in peace Gran, until we meet again. This entire website is dedicated to the memory of Lillian Lochrane Hallgate, I will forever be blessed by having known you.
Devon J Hall