So you may have noticed the site has undergone some major changes, and the reason for that is I am going through some changes. And also I was fucking bored. Too much white, Loud Mouth Brown Girls thrive on color, it’s in our bones. A gift from our ancestors who worked in the fields, and the Kings and Queens who came before them.

Color matters, and it adds life to everything. Without color things become stale and boring, and thus I have a new site. And you’ll notice there’s a lot less blog post, and a lot more of what’s going on in my world.

The reason for that is that I don’t write here very often, and so it didn’t seem that smart to just have a bunch of eons old blog posts, when I have so many cool things under my hat, that I want to share with you.

One of those things is the Masks Off Gala, which I am planning for October 2027, to celebrate ten years of overcoming mental health challenges that held me back, and at the same time, pushed me to figure out what I CAN do, in spite of what I cannot.

In the last year I’ve become closer to my Jamaican family members and my dad’s side, but I also feel very very far away from them. Family to me, doesn’t’ mean what it does to everyone. I didn’t learn to count on my family -always- being there, but I am now and that feels pretty cool.

One of the reasons I want to do a gala, is that there are sooo many people out there who are fighting with everything they have, to just get through the fucking day. I think that definitely deserves to be celebrated.

I want to make these words famous because I think anyone who has ever felt with depression feels like this or at least can relate to feeling like this. So many of us are walking around fighting demons people can’t see, that they can’t understand even when we try to explain.

So many people are struggling every single day with the idea of just trying to get through, of trying to just make it through the fucking hour, let alone the God damned day, and people aren’t noticing.

It’s not just because people are selfishly in their own worlds, it’s because we’ve become soooo good at MASKING our pain, that when we’re bleeding people have learned to become invisible to our pain.

When we say “hey I’ve had enough I can’t take anymore,” instead of “Let me lighten the load,” we hear “You’re strong, here’s ten more pounds of bullshit.” And then folks are genuinely shocked when we decide that no we HAVE had enough, and we’re going to set boundaries to prove it.

I had a friend recently, that I ended my relationship with because their lifestyle choices didn’t align with my so. I don’t even care. Bye, I feel no reason to feel sorry for anything they are experiencing, because they are the kind of person who always wants the worst for those around them.

What I am sad about though, is that I didn’t say “Enough is enough,” from the beginning. I wanted, and needed at the time, validation from people who didn’t know me, and I thought that would make me feel better about all the people who had hated me and pretended to be my friend.

In reality that friendship just made me feel like I was pretending a lot, and hiding my true self just to hold onto something that both wasn’t serving me, and at the same time, making me feel sick about who I was letting myself be.

It was a choice I made because peace felt safer than fighting for what I truly believe in, but in the end that person showed me who they are, and now I am stuck feeling bad because I let myself – one more time – care.

I won’t let it be another knife in the back. I won’t let this relationship that didn’t last, push me away from finding the ties that will, but I will be more wary from now on.

I remember hiding for years, for decades, pretending through my whole life because it was the only way to survive, but I don’t have to do that anymore. And not just because I am stronger, faster, and meaner now.

But because I am aware. I took my mask off nine years ago, and I’ve been cleaning up the mess of that decision ever since, but I did it, and I am fucking proud of it. I can’t wait to celebrate ten years of fighting but also of freedom.

For almost ten years I haven’t been molested, abused, sexually assaulted, or taken advantage of by a man I cared about. And while that’s a sad thing to have to celebrate, it also reminds me that there are whole ass women out there, who have never had to live with the fear of what a man will say or do to them.

Rhonda Rousey and Becky Lynch come to mind. But I’m not them. I’m me, and while I may not love everything that means right now…it’s starting to feel like I am home. Finally.

XOXO

Devon J Hall,

The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl