Sex, Sexuality and Sensibility

There seems to be this never ending belief that the only time it’s acceptable for survivors of sexual abuse to return to enjoying sex, is with a partner who understands that they have been through some stuff.

I am going to call bullshit on that, being raped, abused, beaten up, having your body mind and soul violated takes away the power you are born to wield over yourself.

When your entire being has been turned into someone else’s playground, without your permission, it throws your entire world into chaos and while some thrive in chaos, others need to understand.

In an effort to understand how to deal with my pain, I reached out to the online and offline BDSM community and found several tools that helped me over the years.

I want to clarify this – BDSM is not for everyone, and before you jump into the practice, (because it is something one is expected to CONSTANTLY PRACTICE, because you are never perfect), I suggest doing a lot of research, not just into the kinds of Fetishes, but where they come from.

Now keep in mind, that I’m not suggesting you do this right away – give yourself some time to understand that your body, mind and soul have been violated. Respect the fact that it’s going to take time to heal, and that understanding the psychology behind sex, abuse and fetish life, isn’t going to suddenly take all your pain away.

Doing the research however into abuse, into the psychology behind the kinds of minds that abuse, can sometimes help you find a place of understanding, in my case I get to remind myself over and over again, “this was not my fault, this was his fault.”

Knowing that the science agrees with me is incredibly helpful.

I started researching BDSM when I was about fourteen to fifteen years old, not really understanding that is what I was doing.

If you want to find out where you land on the “BDSM scale” there is a website called BDSM Test that helps to at the very least force your mind to ask some serious questions about what you like and do not like. Understanding what you don’t like, regardless of the reasons, are a huge part in understanding who you are, so if you’d like to take it here’s a handy link.

So here is where I fall on the scale:

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Interestingly twenty years ago these numbers would have been in exact opposite competition with each other – this is a great way to see how far you’ve come over the years, how much you have changed, and it gives you a frame of reference to help you discover what this means to you personally.

Brat Tamer:

I for instance am absolutely NOT a submissive but I do have a Little Side (I’ll get into that later). I tend to lean more towards nurturing to Submissive types from an emotional standpoint, but I’m just as eager to beat that submission down if I have to – my Switch personality means I can be either submissive or dominant depending on my mood.

From a sexual stand point that sounds great, from an employer’s stand point however it means that I have issues with authority. As if you haven’t figured that out by now.

When I first took this test I was 100% submissive, and the other labels failed to interest me, given what I’ve been through the idea that I would ever submit to a man without first knowing that I was a) going to spend the rest of my life not wanting to murder him, and b) ensuring that he understands I am always, forever in charge, no matter what, is just unlikely.

Relationships require give and take, and knowing my mental state right now, I’m not in a place to healthily give to another human being, because I know I need my space, I know I need my time, and I know more importantly than that, that having a person isn’t going to make me feel better about my current state of affairs.

I learned this because researching and understanding as many different fetishes as you can, helps you to dissect your thoughts the same way a psychologist or shrink would..I would say that if you understand BDSM in all it’s beautifully twisted forms, means you understand humans as a whole. Which takes out the middle man who charges you or the government hundreds of dollars an hour to tell you that you have shit to deal with, which you probably already know.

When trying to understand why your life has taken a certain turn, sometimes we get so lost in the details that we need to break each situation or problem down to the most finite detail in order to figure out how to solve the problem.

Being your own psychologist is not recommended by people who refuse to study sex and sexuality and this stems from their fear of what they might find.

“No one likes Anal,” – What’s your number, (yeah I know, there’s no getting away from Chris Evans…even when I’m trying to.)

first off, that’s bullshit. Secondly if you don’t like it, it’s because you haven’t been introduced to it properly. In other words, by force.

I’m not saying that Anal sex is a beautiful exotic experience, it’s really not, and it’s really not that fun, if I’m being honest, until you let go and realize how good it feels, that being said it’s not something I personally ever want to try again.

Largely because the act of anal sex brings about triggering memories for me because of how I was introduced to it.

Knowing that’s never going to be negotiable, I know that any partner not willing to accept that isn’t going to be someone I want to deal with.

Okay so you get how we break down the psychology of BDSM, right? You’re not stupid, so obviously if you understand why someone “might” and I do stress “might” enjoy eating feces, or being urinated on probably has less to do with being turned on and more to do with them trying to re-create the humiliation of what may or may not have been a traumatic event in their lives before you.

I have a few former partners who enjoyed humiliation, not to that degree precisely, and whatever their reasons were or are, some people find a calming reaction to being humiliated.

From an outsiders perspective, this might mean that it’s because they are more comfortable being humiliated than being loved, being loved for some people can feel unnerving, I personally find that I get incredibly angry when people try to humiliate me.

The release of rage, anger, hatred, pain, sorrow, can be an almost orgasmic effect for me personally, but it can be incredibly traumatizing for those who don’t understand that for me, the release of pain in an angry dramatic way is a release.

Understanding that myself I am learning (okay I’m trying to prepare myself to learn) to calm myself as I speak instead of rage out as I call it. The natural hunter in me prefers submissive types, specifically men, obviously we know where that come from.

Any Dominant I’ve ever been partnered with, even if those connections were only Sapio Sexual (mind over matter – turned on by conversations and intelligence rather than physicality.

Using celebrities as an example, I prefer Chris Evans over Brad Pitt because Evan’s talks a  lot about spirituality and learning to calm the mind over the body – Brad Pitt is physically beautiful, but that doesn’t interest me. Because I so rarely hear him speak about anything that “I” think is important, other than film, there’s nothing that attracts me to him. Whereas I prefer Tom Hardy over everyone because he has beautiful lips, and also because he told a reporter to fuck off when asked about his sexuality.

When you understand what it is you like and don’t like, you understand who you are as a person which helps you learn to deal with all the shit in your head – so all that stuff being said, it’s important to do your research on BDSM, sexuality, and psychology in those orders, I think.

It’s also important to ensure that you know how to answer these questions when your teen asks about them, because I promise you if they aren’t asking you they are asking someone.

When I had a Tumblr blog I was using it to post some of my favorite pictures, mostly nudes and bondage photos that I found mentally or emotionally satisfying in some way. I was asked by a young man about bdsm, which would have been fine until he told me his partner / girlfriend was under the age of 18. Beyond being creeped out it occurred to me that clearly I was not the only teenager who had been trying to discover themselves through the study and practice of what I refer to as “Emotional BDSM”.

When I say “Emotional BDSM” I want you to understand that every label above (and the millions of others that fall under each category) has a physical and emotional combination that come in a million different ways.

I do not like being slapped or hit during sex, but I enjoy a good verbal fight like no one’s business; I actually enjoy being mean to people emotionally when I am angry – this is not always a good thing. Understanding you like something or why you like it is a beautiful tool in self healing, but learning to control it feels even better.

“Emotional BDSM” can come across as abusive, cruel and is often lost on those who are doing it, I didn’t know for years until I had a serious conversation with a very good Dominant friend who helped me understand that the reason I was looking for one emotional relationship after another. I learned during many conversations with this person about family, love and life, that what I was really doing was causing myself deliberate pain, by trying to recreate emotional trauma, using other people to do it.

This is the worst thing I realized about myself for the first time in a lot of years;

“I’m getting involved in relationships just so I can be emotionally miserable, to re-create the pain of physical abuse without physically getting hurt.” ~Devon J Hall

Yup, sounds normal as fuck.

I don’t judge myself for these past behaviors because I know now that this is exactly what I’ve been doing, largely to myself, for a lot of years, which is why I have a strict no marriage no babies policy until I know that I’m emotionally stable enough to be the kind of woman who is ready to raise a child or marry a person.

The following is a list of websites that I’ve either used in the past, or checked out recently that I think can offer far more information than I have at my disposal.

I highly recommend the BDSM TEST as well as:

  • BDSM-Education
  • Kinkly has grown a lot over the years, from a simple blog to a full shop and educational platform this site has a lot of great tools, tips, tricks and articles based on BDSM lifestyle.
  • Submissive’s Guide has a list of great blogs, articles, and sites you should check out.

Before you begin anything to do with bdsm beyond research, I would highly recommend starting with articles on KINK,  SSC and RISK.

If the person you are partnering with does not know what these mean, back away as quickly as possible. Being Risk Aware and knowing that your partner has your Consent are hugely important parts of BDSM, sexuality and you know, being a fucking human being. If they haven’t read up on the subjects, if you haven’t then you are both idiots and I wish you each the best of luck.

Check out more info here and here.

Play safe boils and gals,

Siddha Lee Saint James

 

 

 

 

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