So I walked on water this weekend, literally. I’m not entirely sure what that means, other than I REALLY need to get a plumber into my house, but I thought it was an interesting way to start the week.
I’m watching Maid, which is about a woman who is escaping her abusive boyfriend, in order to save her daughter, and I remember those days.
I remember my mom packing everything up to get us out, to bring us into a safer world, and I remember the mind altering horror, as I woke up twenty years later to realize that the situation that “I” was in, was far worse than anything my mom or dad had gotten us into.
I never stopped to consider what it might have been like for her, two kids, trying to find a safe place for us to be, trying to feed us and keep us safe, from a man who didn’t care about our safety at all.
Yesterday I yelled pretty righteously at my mother, and while an argument can be made for the fact that what was said, needed to be said, it occurred to me that the only person in my entire life who tried to be here for me, was my mom.
And so with that being said, a new week begins, and I am more focused then ever. A lot of people have been saying a lot of crap behind my back, especially since I started this website, about how all I want is money, and my only question is why is that a bad thing?
For those of us who grew up in domestic abuse and traumatic situations, yes we want money, money provides for us a better life, it gives us the opportunity to escape the darkness, and build lives for ourselves that we can be proud of. That we can feel safe in.
I can’t tell you the last time I felt safe, because I don’t remember. Any and all times that I have ever felt safe, that feeling of security has been destroyed by one of the many men in my world who seem to think that the needs of their penis outweigh the right that I have to be safe.
The good news however, is that I am building something for myself. Not that I don’t have help, or that there isn’t help available, but I am doing “the thing,” and when it’s done, the future that I am setting up for myself is filled with open doors.
Doors that are open because there are people in the world who are genuinely obsessed with my safety, my security, and my right to be happy, and interestingly that means that if after all these years of trauma, of stress, of running from people, places, and things, that no longer serve me, “I” can find someone, at least 1 person to give a shit about my life, you probably can too.
I have come to realize that a lot of this life is about finding ways to deal with the crapstorm, in ways that cause less harm than was caused to you, and that’s not always easy when you are feeling like the entire world is against you.
It can be completely life defining to make the decision that you are going to make a life for yourself that is better than the one that you were raised with, but it can also be completely petrifying.
I spent years waiting for the world to catch up to what I already knew, so that I could be “this” version of myself.
And “this” version of myself, isn’t interested in what happened in the past, or who did what, I am not interested in what guy I am going to meet next, I am more interested in what adventures I am going to have. I am more interested in the women that i am going to meet, and the conversations that we’re going to have.
I am more interested in my future than I am in my past, and closing those doors is not easy. Everything comes when it’s the right time, but that doesn’t mean that you’re going to feel comfortable with the fact that you have to wait for it to be your turn.
I have stopped asking “Why me,” and started asking “what now?” which to my mind is a much more important question, because “what now?” implies that there is a future, that there is something to look forward to.
It gives you the inspiration you need to keep moving forward, to believe that you have a chance in the world, when everything tells you otherwise.
Every single person on this planet is born with all the braincells they need to survive all the junk that is thrown at them, it’s just a matter of knowing how to use what you know you know how to do, to get yourself to move in the direction that YOU want to go.
It takes time, and it takes a LOT more patience then you think you have, but you’ll get there when it’s absolutely time for you to get there.
That I promise you.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall