For the first few years of this website, literally everything that I have done has focused around the traumatic events of my past.
Every single thing that I’ve written about has been in an effort to combat the horrible awful things that have been done to me, and to others around the province of this planet. I have all these memories in my mind tugging me back to all the times that were filled with misery, and in an effort to protect myself, I’ve been focusing on the negative, because I didn’t want to destroy the good memories that I had.
A lot of my memories are tainted by abuse in one form or another, even tender and sweet moments, ended up being moments of absolute horror where I had to act calm as possible to prevent myself from being thrown out a window.
More than once the idea that I might e occurred to my boyfriend, purely because he was in a mood to be mean and to make someone hurt so that he felt better. He was the only actually boyfriend I’d ever had, and if I have my way, he’ll be the last for a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry long time.
But that being said, when I first started Comfortably Uncomfortable conversations, my focus was on the fact that I was on a trip where I was talking about things that I’d never been allowed to express an opinion on back when I was younger.
Stay Lifted Sis is a thing that a sister said to me, and I warned her that I was going to steal it, (I had her permission,) Today I realized that it was the perfect name for the new version of the show, because that’s how I want too be. I want to be lifted, I want too be elevated away from other darkness, I want to live a life filled with purpose, kindness, love respect, and joy. Back when I was younger, and less vocal about standing up for myself,
People really would dismiss my opinions on race on one hand, and then demand me to preform for them the next. They wanted to see the Black girl from Hey White People, they wanted me to be their token Black person, but they couldn’t bother to take the time to understand why that was racist as fuck.
The evolution of Loud Mouth Brown Girl is a yearly event, there is no actual “anniversary” there is just “post shit when it’s ready.”
I KNEW why that was racist, but I’d learned to stop talking about why it was racist, because whenever I did that, I got abused by white men who told me that I didn’t have “the right” to have an opinion on how Black folk in BC were treated.
As years went on the racism continued, but nowhere in my life was it worse than it was in Winnipeg, with women actually openly being surprised that I was Black, and then TELLING me that I was Black as if I didn’t already know. (Seriously? We have mirrors y’all.)
White men stealing my keys and going into my room just to see how I would react (badly, was the answer) and then even more people who were all white asking me what I needed, when I was too shocked at how I was being treated t have an answer.
Talking about the issues I was facing and being presented with, with other mixed race and colored folk, and yes, even some white ones, really opened my eyes too the limited view that I’d been allowed to experience growing up.
Comfortably Uncomfortable Conversations was my answer to that trip, it was my way of forcing myself to open up and share things I hadn’t shared before in a way I hadn’t shared them before, and it also made me realize that I loved the show enough that I wanted to do it right.
I started the show on a whim, and I took breaks on a whim, because I had worked myself into a stupor and I needed a damned break, and I didn’t want to explain to anyone that I was taking a break.
This past summer I haven’t thought about the show at all, and then suddenly today I decided the show needed a new name, and without thinking about it I decided t change the name to Stay Lifted Sis.
I’m not asking anyone if they like the name, I am choosing the name, because it fits where I am at emotionally, and EVERYTHING about Loud Mouth Brown Girl should reflect hw “I” am doing right now.
This whole website and all the branches f this tree, are going t one day be filled with Brown girls from around the world, but today it’s abut ME and that feels really damned good.
Stay Lifted Sis is still going too be uncomfortable, it’s still going to force people to have honest, forward, emotional, and strange conversations about life, but it’s going to be more focused on humor, laughter, happiness, and joy.
When there’s nothing PURE Left In THIS world, BE the pure thing THE world DOESN’T want to Acknowledge You’ll go FURTHER and dream BIGGER.
Stay Lifted Sis is my way of transitioning away from the trauma of trauma, and into the humor of it, which is interesting, because I had forgotten that there COUOLD be a humor to trauma.
The number of times I thought I wouldn’t survive the shame of what my body was forced to order what I was forced to think in order to pretend that I was someone my abusers could trust, was exhausting.
Now that I don’t have to do that anymore, I am starting to realize that I can go back to enjoying my life, and instead of being afraid that I’ll run out of time, I can actually ENJOY being my full super powered interesting wild weird self without caring what others think….that’s a really scary feeling.
Scary because what if I fall again? Who will be there to pick me up? As it turns out there are some very nice doctors at Saint Paul’s Hospital who will definitely be willing to help when the need arises, if it should, but I am choosing to live as if it won’t, because I know who I am now…and I know who I was meant to be.
Sending all my love
Devon J Hall