Okay so someone, a friend, and an amazing Human Angel rose up the other day and offered to pay for this Certified Cannabis Educators Class that I want to take. It’s going to teach me what I need to know to begin my journey WORKING in the Cannabis Industry, and from there…who knows what is going to come my way.
But I have to wait 8 minutes for the prepaid visa that I bought to be activated so that I can pay for the course, and you know what? This is the most interesting moment of my entire life.
It’s a moment that I want to remember forever, so here goes.
I am wearing navy blue pants with penguins all over them which remind me of my old friend Ace who is a fucking fantastic writer and guitar player but the biggest most giant asshole on this planet. Because he hates penguins.
I am listening to RITMO from the Bad Boys for life soundtrack, and I am sipping on an ice cap that I decided to splurge on because damnit, I deserve a fucking ice cap after the journey that I’ve been on.
Sometimes we don’t always get the time to acknowledge that we’re closing a door, we don’t always look around at our lives and say “yup, I’m done now. I can move forward.” I did that today at the top of my lungs while doing a number 2 on the toilette, and I am NOT sorry for telling you because I think that’s rather appropriate considering what I am saying goodbye to.
In this moment I am waiting for my future to begin. By the end of the day I will be an actual and official registered STUDENT, in a program that will change my entire life. I am saying goodbye to old friends and drama. I am saying goodbye to all the abusers of my past, I am letting go of the ties that have kept me bound to the shadows, and moving forward.
Even though I am sitting on this couch, this same corner of the house where I started Loud Mouth Brown Girl, this same living room that has seem me dance, sing, cry, rap, scream, yell, and purge all the darkness of my heart is now seeing me walk through the doors of a brand new future and I can’t even describe how that feels.
I fought so many battles in this living room letting my mind explore all the things that we were always told were never going to be possible in “our lifetime,” I found ways to circumvent the darkness that tried to steal my soul. I found ways to out grow the pain of the past and even though some days are still tough, even though some days are still filled with “what the fuck moments,” there is more laughter now than there has been in an incredibly long time.
There are people in this world who will still spit when they hear my name, they will probably always spit when they hear my name, they will probably always have something nasty and horrible to say, and while they are doing that, I am in a completely different realm than they are.
I’m not hearing it anymore I’m not listening to the darkness and that feels fan fucking tastic.
So for these eight minutes I am going to sit here, stuff my face, smoke a cigarettes’, roll a joint and smoke that, and then I am going to walk through the doors of my future fully willing, ready, and able, to do whatever I have to do to tackle all the new decisions that I am going to have to make.
I think a lot about what I want my future to be, but I know that the first thing that I want to do before anything else is pay this gift forward. I want to be the one who turns around one day and opens this same door for someone else, for many someone else’s and I can’t wait for that to happen.
I know that I have to do a lot of work before I can make that happen, but I know that with that as my mountain top I will have something to focus on to help me get through the hard times. I desperately want to be the person that some of the good people in my life thought that I might be because if I can be, then it means that I can be anything.
Not all of my past was shit, there was a lot of really good and beautiful and fun and loving moments and I will cherish them forever, keep them for when shit gets hard and I need to be reminded why it is that I am doing what I am doing, but until then my loves I just wanted to say thank you.
Thank you to every single person who read this blog, thank you to every person who commented on it or shared a story of their own in the comments, about their struggles, pains, and successes.
Every time I look at the stats of this website I learn that there is at least 1 person somewhere in the world reading what I have to say, and sometimes that same person comes back again and again and that feels so fucking cool.
I know that this may not seem like a lot of people reading my blog for someone who wants to be a “famous Blogger….” but for ME? it’s fucking everything!
These are the top 11 countries over this past quarter and this feels so cool. There are people around the globe who have supported me quietly and loudly in random measure, there are people who talk about my blog, who share it with their friends, who talk about it around the cooler.
If I’d been smart I would have called it Gangster’s Paradise and I’d have written about all the people who tried to destroy me but the truth is that not a single one of those people matter to my story anymore. They are a part of my past.
They were lessons and broken hearts they were trauma and pain, they were drama and laughter and joy, and all of the feelings all at once, but it’s time to move forward and that is just such an awesome place to be.
For someone whose education was derailed by abuse and trauma being able to go back and learn in a way that the world wasn’t prepared to share with me when I wanted it to be, feels fucking soooo cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m doing the thing, and honestly…I never thought I would, so if you are out there Loud Mouth Brown Girl’s, please don’t give up on yourselves. Please believe that you can change the world by doing EXACTLY what the world tells you NOT to do, please believe that you have a power greater than your existence in your soul and you can harness that power.
I know you do because I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.
Sending all my love
Devon J Hall, Siddha Lee Saint James, X and Avalon. (The voices in your head that represent my soul :P)