Every week the amazing Sharmane “Mixed Girl Mane” hosts a Sunday morning get together for some of her listeners and friends. Each week we talk a variety of topics, and this week, although Sharmane wasn’t there, we were talking about empowerment.
This week Sharmane wasn’t able to join us, and yet we still gathered to connect, and to vibe with each other, which is one of the reasons that I love Militantly Mixed, it’s a podcast show, but it’s also a movement that is bringing people together from around the world.
Today we didn’t have a strict topic, but we did discuss self-empowerment, and I realized how important it is for me to feel powerful.
My whole life all I wanted to be was strong, wise, and talented, but I didn’t know how to convey that strength, wisdom, and talent, to the world.
Now that I have these amazing friends from my Budsista’s to Militantly Mixed, to all my Twitter friends, from around the world, I am finding that there are people in this world who are shining lights on my journey.
I know I have a long way to go, and I also know that I don’t want to be a Life Coach persay, but I do know that I absolutely want to help people learn how to take what they know, and use it to propel themselves into the future that they desire.
The “business” aspect of Loud Mouth Brown Girl, comes from my writing. It comes from my experience as as a human being on this earth, and it’s really about trying to sell my writing through Patreon, it’s not about empowerment.
That part of Loud Mouth Brown Girl was a huge surprise to me, because I never thought of myself as someone who could inspire someone before. I’d tried to, I wanted to, but I very rarely knew if I was doing a good enough job to make a dent in the armor of bullshit that so many people carry around with them.
With Loud Mouth Brown Girl, it’s a totally different experience. When I say that people have taken time to shone light on my journey, what I mean is that they have told me that I am a part of their healing journey. They have told me they feel blessed to know me, and that means a lot to me.
I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me, because someone, was always telling me that I was bad, or that I was doing something wrong. Nothing I ever did was good enough for people, and I didn’t receive a lot of compliments. I really and genuinely believed that if people were constantly criticizing you, it was because they knew better, and you were clearly in the wrong, because if you weren’t in the wrong, they’d be telling you the opposite of what was wrong with you, right?
The thing that I realized, is that a lot of people in my past were genuinely jealous of me. From men who couldn’t fathom the idea that I didn’t need or want their validation, to women who did need validation from men and were jealous that I did not, the people who were talking down to me or trashing me, were deliberately trying to make me feel small.
Because they felt small, and they wanted to feel big, important and powerful. The thing about power is that having it doesn’t mean that you have to tear others down to get it. And I want to keep teaching people this hugely important life lesson, because it is so freeing when you start to peel back the layers of who you are, and realize that you don’t want to carry the layers of who people think you should be.
We spend so much time learning in school, and then in college, and then again in our future jobs, that we have to fit the status quo. That “we” have to focus our energies on fitting into who other people think we should be, and in reality, some of us were born specifically, to fuck shit up and throw the tables around.
Some of us were born deliberately to make the world uncomfortable, and the world recognizes that, which is why it tries so hard to tear so many of us down.
I am passionate about education, and one of the reasons that I spent so much time thinking there was something wrong with me, was largely because I didn’t have anyone to say “there’s nothing wrong with you, you are who you are, and that’s beautiful.”
There are a lot of people who use empowerment to make money, but for me it’s not about that. The money is a bonus, ,not a goal. It’s knowing that there might be someone out there who is hurting, who needs a hand up, and in being the person to lift someone else up when they’ve fallen down into the sewer.
I want to lift people up, purely because I know what it feels like to be let down, or shoved down, I know what it feels like to be made small and to feel like my “no” isn’t enough. Even today there are people in my world who constantly, and consistently, try to make me feel small, because they see that in spite of who they think I should be, I am a success.
No, I’m not on the news every day, and no I am not making millions of dollars, but to me that’s not the measure of my success. The measure of my success for “me” is whether or not I am still here. Whether or not I am still in the fight. And I am absolutely still in the fight.
I am not giving up my life, or committing suicide, even on days when I don’t want to be here anymore, because other people think that I should be miserable for the crime of existing.
I deserve to be here. Every single day that I wake up, I am making a fully conscious choice to remain on this planet, and not one person on this planet has the right to tell me otherwise, regardless of what lies their privalege tells them.
Yes there are some days that are super difficult, and yes some days I feel like someone else has taken over my body, but when I am here in this space where I am showing other people that it can be done, or when I am learning from other women like Khadisha Thornhill, or Natalie Cox, Anya Nicola, or Necole Hines, (BudSista shoutout!), or even Sharmane Fury, that it can be done…yes it is absolutely worth it.
It took me a really long time to realize that just because you are born into a tribe, doesn’t mean that this is your tribe. It took me a really long time to see that the people that I have met from around the world, are teaching me things that people in my hometown circle will never understand.
I am free today because I choose to be free, because I choose autonomy over my body, mind, and soul. I want that for you too, so please when my name gets brushed across your ears, don’t think of me as competition, because I am not competing with you. I am too busy showing others that it can be done, learning from others, that it can be done.
I am who I am, because this is who I want to be, and what I want is more important than what others want from me right now. It has to be, it’s the only way that I am going to survive.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall