Say that again out loud.
“Dear Me, You ARE NOT A DUMB BITCH.”
This needs to be said, because narcissists, and racists, and anyone in the world who wants to make you feel small, will say exactly these words, in a deliberate attempt to make you feel little, small, and unworthy.
I am writing this because I heard the voice of one of my abusers during my meditation tonight, and this line kept repeating in my head “you’re a dumb bitch.”
I am not going to talk about all the good things that I’ve done in my life, or the people that I have helped, I am going to say that I have decided that I am not dumb. I may not always be able to vocalize how I feel or why I feel the way that I feel, but that doesn’t make me stupid. It just means that I have issues with communication.
Verbal communication is difficult for me, and it always has, it’s a trauma response, which is why I try – though I am not always successful – to ignore people who talk down to me and try to belittle me.
Their opinions do not matter, because they don’t get to live in my skin, they don’t get to slip into my mind and drop off their little toxicity bombs anymore, I don’t need it, and I don’t want it.
There was a time in my life, shortly after I started smoking weed that I genuinely felt like I had found inner peace, and as more of the memories started to reveal themselves, the more that I realized that what I had actually found was the calm before the storm that would come my way.
A lot of people interjected themselves into my life, friends, family, and Doctors, all of whom believed they knew what was best for me, it took me a really long time to tell them that was not the truth, a lot of time to remind myself that the only person that knows what’s best for me, is me.
Recently I reached out to my friend and supporter and sista, to tell her that I had been drinking for three days straight, I hadn’t had more than a few glasses of wine all year, and at the tail end of 2020 I just needed to release all the shit that I’d been holding onto all year. Drinking helped me do that, but it’s definitely not something that I reach for often.
I have other tools to help me combat the darkness that comes with being a victim of sexual abuse and trauma, like knowing yourself, that’s a huge game changer. It’s important to know what you’re capable of, but you can’t learn what those skills are until your aptitude is challenged.
To remind you, YOU ARE NOT A DUMB BITCH.
You are strong, powerful, capable, amazing, powerful, successful, and the only one that gets to decide who you are is you. Remembering that is difficult because we’re conditioned to believe that we have to act like other people, that we have to behave like other people. We are trained to believe that white is both right and power, and Black is weak and powerless.
Reconditioning your brain takes a lot of time, especially after trauma, your brain is hardwired to behave and act like a victim after trauma in order to protect you from further assault, turning yourself into a survivor literally means rewiring your brain, which is a skill that doesn’t come naturally to human beings.
When I was about three or four years old I distinctly remember thinking that if I could make the “pistons” (neurons) fire faster in my brain, then I would indeed grow up faster and smarter than those around me. I wasn’t wrong, but of course my mom was convinced I was just being a kid, she didn’t know that at three years old I had figured out that by imagining I could, I would majickally achieve whatever I put my mind to.
It was an important lesson and one that I absolutely never forgot. I worked hard on making the neurons fire faster and more powerfully in my brain, I spent my entire third year convinced that I was a little genius and someday the world would suddenly agree with me.
Whenever I used to concentrate on what I called “connecting the neural pathways”, (I was a weird kid, with weird thoughts), I used to imagine that I could hear the voices of the people of my future. These people became spirit guardians, protectors, teachers, and as I grew older they even got names.
When I was three-twelve years old I had imaginary friends that came in the form of itty bitty faeries named Birdie, to giant Soldiers and Angels named Siddha and Loeth, and no one could tell me they didn’t exist, because no one could see the things that I could see.
Now that I am older I realize that I was a little kid making stuff up in order to make myself feel stronger than I actually was, but I also know that it worked at the time, and it continues to work today. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that when you make the effort to just try to do the bare minimum, things work out in ways that you wouldn’t realize otherwise.
Now I look back at those days and realize that those “guardians” or whatever you want to call them, where guiding me, now that I am a writer, I try to take what I learned from them and put them into my stories, it helps me to connect to my childhood self and it reminds me that everything has a purpose.
Two years ago I was on the skytrain and I saw this beautiful blonde haired blue eyed girl with glasses dressed in blue and red, and I spent the entire train from Vancouver to Surrey thinking she looked exactly like Supergirl.
To this day I am convinced that Kara Danvers was really in Surrey, BC in disguise, I got a picture of her, but it’s since dissapeared, that photo reminds me that majick happens in the most unlikely places, and being able to see that majick doesn’t make you a dumb bitch.
If you’re being abused and imagine that you’re in a relationship where you are not being abused, it’s entirely possible to make that happen. It is entirely possible to walk away from everything you knew and start all over again, and it’s going to be hard, and it’s going to be scary, but isn’t life hard and scary now in that abusive relationship anyways?
Yesterday armed men and women stormed the capitol building in arguably the most powerful country in the world, they were cheered on by millions across the world, and utterly surprised when the FBI decided to come knocking at their doors to explain why that wasn’t okay behavior.
The world is going through a major shift in all kinds of different ways right now. The Polar Ice Caps are melting, War is tearing apart one country after another all across the globe, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, white supremacists are staring at their television screens in complete shock that the world isn’t moving over and letting them take over.
The world is too fucking damaging to survive alone, but I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then be in a relationship that doesn’t encourage me to be the best version of myself. I would rather be alone forever, then risk my heart to be with the kind of person who would call me a dumb bitch every day, for not doing things the way that they would do them.
The days of being abused, traumatized, and wounded by other people is absolutely over. The things that I have been through, the experiences that I have had, and the guardian’s that I’ve met along my way have armed me with ways to defend myself against the darkness that this world has to offer, and I plan to use every one of those weapons, tools, and skills, to ensure that I never again feel small so someone else can feel big again.
You get here by making decisions, that’s what 2021 is going to be about. You are going to have to decide if you want to continue to be miserable in an abusive relationship, or happy alone.
Imagine having all that space to yourself, imagine coming home every day to a clean home filled with energy that inspires love and creativity instead of darkness and frustration every day. Imagine feeling like who you are as a human being matters to the people in your life. Doesn’t that sound better then listening to anyone on this planet call you a dumb bitch? Yeah, I agree.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall