I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, because my statistics have been going up. I am getting tons of brand new views on the website every day, even when I don’t post though I do get considerably less views when there isn’t “brand new” content on my site.
Last month my statistics were soaring, and immediately I found myself falling into a deep depression, for a lot of reasons, but nonetheless, this is always what happens when I start reaching my goals.
There are a lot of reasons to self sabotage yourself, but I think the reason that I do it is imposter syndrome. It’s something that I struggle with quite a bit.
I have to remind myself that it used to be my job to create and run programs for youth – a job I learned by doing on the spot. It used to be my job to help people find a recovery home or center they could go to for treatment against drug addiction.
I learned a lot doing those jobs, I learned a lot of skills that I actually am allowed to utilize so that I can make a new career for myself, and I forget that I don’t need anyone’s permission to say “I know how to do that.”
I’ve been toying with the idea of putting together a network of Bloggers, I mean sure I have the #BrownGirlBloggers list, but I don’t network with any of these bloggers, because it takes a lot of work, and I am afraid of trying to get a group of women to commit to something that I am not sure I can organize. Even though I really want to try.
Ideally what I would like to do is have a Brown Girl Blogger summit where we can come together as a group and talk about blogging and why the platforms that we use are so important and integral to who we are as human beings.
But I rush away from the idea as soon as I think about it, because I am afraid that women won’t show up or that they won’t be interested in collaborating with me.
If I don’t ask they can’t reject me, and then I can’t have hurt feelings, right? The imposter syndrome adds to these feelings of inferiority. It convinces me that because I don’t have a college degree or a university diploma, that I am not good enough or qualified enough.
I know that the work that I used to do helped people, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was out there saving lives, but I was doing as much as I was able to do and I hope it helped folks…I know that they helped me a lot more by teaching me how much I still had to learn about the world and how it works.
Now that I have all this knowledge from my old life, combined with the passions I am embracing in my new life, I am trying to figure out what I can do to prove that I can make a genuine career out of this writing gig.
Fear has always been an integral part of my life. It has served me so well by protecting me from the worst that people have to offer. In moments when I should have been terrified I allowed my fear to turn into anger, and the anger fueled my survival in so many different instances that I don’t know how to function without them.
I can honestly say that I’ve been happy this last year, not every second of this last year, I mean let’s face it 2020 has been a bitch! But for the most part I’ve gotten through without too many major explosions, and I feel a complete difference in my attitude this year than I have in previous years, and so I hope that means that I am starting to let go of fear too.
I don’t wake up in the middle of the night shaking in fear nearly as much now as I did at the beginning of this year, but even that scares me too, because if I am not afraid then what am I?
I stopped writing for a couple of weeks this month because I started to see my stats going up and I genuinely got afraid. “What if I can’t deliver?” “What if they think I’m a fake?” “What if they don’t trust what I have to say?”
I’m not great with confrontation and my fear has always taught me that people are going to make me prove what I know, which although fair, is a scary thought, because it means that the spotlight is on me and I’ve never been comfortable in the spotlight.
I am utterly and completely afraid that I will actually become the “World Famous” Loud Mouth Brown Girl, because although that will allow me the opportunity to do things I’ve always dreamt of, it comes with a responsibility that I don’t know that I’ll be able to handle.
A lot of this stems from the fact that I am so focused on my healing, and during this process I had to cut a lot of people out of my life. I learned a lot of hard lessons at very young ages, namely that you can’t trust everyone, and yet I know that I can’t build this brand without a village backing me up.
Do you see the catch 22? I’ve been burned so badly that I am terrified to trust anyone new. I have literally, been burned, by people who hate me purely because I exist.
So imagine trying to build a brand and a career for yourself with little to no support from your inner circle, when you deal with social anxiety and isolation. It’s a very difficult and scary process.
If I sabotage myself, then I have no one to blame, but myself, get it now?
It’s something that I am working on, but as with all things, the first step is acknowledgement.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall