Each of us deals with trauma differently. Some of us hold onto it, and manage to make a life out of the abuse that we have experienced without ever having to share our stories.
Some of us make a life for ourselves that is filled with notable accomplishments and achievements that encourage us to keep going. Some of us give off the appearance that we have given up even though we’re fighting with everything we have.
None of us deserve to deal with the lashing out that comes with trauma response. I am not talking about once in awhile, it fucking happens, I know it happens, and I understand that sometimes we lash out without meaning to.
I am talking about the every day abusive behavior that comes with dealing with narcissism, that shit.
That shit that rips you a part little by little each day until you feel like you don’t have enough of yourself to keep fighting. Those micro aggressions that teach you that your space doesn’t matter to the narcissist that is trying to take advantage of your good nature.
Yeah you, I am not putting up with your shit anymore. Some days I have all the strength in the world to deal with it, to keep on keeping on even when I don’t feel like it, but today in particular, I am not in the fucking mood.
Knowing that is a fucking trauma response. It’s my way of saying that I am not emotionally capable of handling your bullshit today. Today I am taking a vacation from people and their shit.
This isn’t because my medication isn’t working, it’s not because I am emotional, it’s because I am taking care of my needs today. Today I am focusing on me, myself and I, and while you’re certainly welcome to consider that selfish, I consider it healthy.
When we spend too much of our time focusing on what other people need, even if what they need is for us to recognize their trauma responses, it can be draining and exhausting on our own souls and needs.
Today I need to curl up in bed, watch some Lucifer, smoke some weed and let myself not feel guilty or ashamed, for feeling guilty and ashamed.
That’s what I am up to today, what are you up to today?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall