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If You Want To Be Free Of Your Past You Have To Let it Rip You Apart

At least that’s what I did.

I got so high that I started hearing voices for awhile, they talked about everything I had ever done and they showed me all of my memories and they made me doubt myself in the absolute worst possible ways.

And then I got over it.

I’m not sure how exactly, I am still working on climbing out from the mountain of memories that I am currently drowning in, but I am over it.

I am over being the girl who cried rape, I am tired of that mantra, I was fucking raped and it happened over and over again over the course of twenty years, and in the process of that I found someone I could have loved, who walked away because he had no idea how truly fucked up I really was.

I don’t blame him for vanishing from my life, I blame the people who didn’t know that for the first time in my life I felt seen, and decided to take that away from me.

I blame his friend who came to see me with a “message” only to rape me on my front fucking lawn, but I don’t blame myself anymore.

What happened to me wasn’t okay, it wasn’t right and it damned sure wasn’t fair, but I can’t change the fact that it happened.

All I can do is accept that it did and move the fuck on and that’s what I am trying to do, sort of.

I feel like that person who didn’t finish high school was in a school all of her own, the things I learned can’t be taught in school. I know how to survive in ways most people have never even thought of. I am learning that I am strong in ways that haven’t really been invented yet, because that’s what realizing that you were a child rape victim does to you.

It makes you stronger, it forces you to burn every last thing you thought you knew about yourself from the inside out and changes everything you are, or thought you are.

So here I am building this brand, designing t-shirts and trying to do something good in the world, and my brain keeps thinking…is this it? I wake up every single day and I get to do exactly what I want to do?

I don’t have to answer to anyone? I can just be Devon, the Loud Mouth Brown Girl? How boring in comparison to what I’d experienced up to this point, I forgot that I had begged for boring, and now that I have it, of course it’s not what I want.

I want to be the kind of girl who can go back to masturbating because it fucking feels good and I like feeling good. It’s like finding a brand new perfume for the first time, it’s like falling in love with yourself, it’s heavenly and fucking beautiful and I miss being able to touch myself.

I want to go back to taking showers and not being ashamed of my body. I want to feel like my body is mine again, and I can’t do that if I keep dwelling on the past, so I am letting it go. The cops are either going to do their fucking jobs and bring my rapists to Justice, or they won’t, I can’t change that.

All I can do is keep being the Loud Mouth Brown Girl because that’s what feels right, the truth is my past is very sad, and boring, in of itself. There are only so many stories I can tell about being raped before it’s just not new anymore, I have more stories than the average victim and as I’ve said repeatedly before, statistically I shouldn’t even be alive.

But I am, so I am choosing to make my time here matter, I probably won’t talk about rape much more on this blog for awhile, because I need a break from that topic, I need this to be more than just about rape. I need this blog to be about Mental Health, Fashion, Music and things that inspire me.

I need to go back to talking about positive healthy steps, and in order to do that I need to start making healthy positive steps, which isn’t to say that I am saying goodbye oh no, quite the opposite. I am just taking my work on the blog more seriously. I want to start using this site with purpose…with a positive purpose that talks about what’s happening in my city…or in Doug McCallum’s case, isn’t.

I want to start being the voice of the city that goes unheard, yeah sure there’s Gangster’s Out Blog and it talks a lot about what’s supposedly happening in this city or whatever, but that’s from a man’s perspective…a white man’s perspective if I remember correctly.

That blog doesn’t talk about what it’s like to live in Surrey or Vancouver as a woman of color, with bindings and rules that other humans don’t have to live with. These are the issues that I want to talk about, the Racism, the Sexism and the damned fine shame it is that so many of us who are colored do not interact with each other.

I want to stop being surprised every time I see a woman or a family of colored people walking down the street as if they didn’t exist until that moment, largely because it feels like they didn’t exist in this town until that very moment. I want to encourage this city to welcome it’s citizens of color in large and small ways, and I think that LMBG is the way to do it.

There aren’t many people talking about what “mental health” actually means and that’s another thing I really want to focus on.

There are behaviors that I exhibit such as choosing to self isolate – even before this pandemic- from the world, and being overly anxious and depressed or being easily frustrated, that come with my mental health issues and I want to learn about them and how to combat them so that I can heal faster.

The brain is like any other muscle in the body, when it’s hurt it must be exercised in order to heal, and emotionally I feel like that’s what I am doing. I think that’s why I haven’t been able to focus on writing a book, I think it’s because on top of everything else I am just not interested in other people right now. I am only interested in me and my healing, and while that’s perfectly okay, I feel this burning need to share this healing experience with others through this blog.

It’s like my own personal Narcotics Anonymous, hello my name is Devon, you may know me as the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, and I am an addict. I am addicted to pain, and I need to stop being addicted to pain, because it’s killing me.

I need to find something other than my writing that makes me happy again, I used to have a lot of things that I was interested in, like Fashion, which is why I started a Hoodie and T-shirt line.

That’s not enough either though, I need to start doing the practical side of cleaning, even though everything inside of me absolutely hates cleaning, I know it’s only because I hate beyond all reason, having to repeat myself and when you clean things once, you have to keep them clean and I am really lazy.

I have to get over that, in order to move on, but I don’t mind telling you this, I have dreams of them coming back, to my new home, ruining the balance that I am just starting to create and in one of the dreams they specifically say “she cleaned the house,” and then they attack me and my mom.

This haunts the crap out of me, so I use it as an excuse not to clean because if it’s not like the dream then it won’t come true….I fucking hate dreaming, it scares the crap out of me night after night. I even had a dream that I woke up one day, went to make coffee, stopped, yelled “NO MORE DREAMS” and went back to bed, I can’t remember if that really happened or not. It felt real.

I honestly think these dreams are a manifestation of my fears, and I think given what I have been through its absolutely positively my brains way of trying to prepare me for any situation, but I truly wish it would knock it the hell off.

I let my past rip me apart and I am only beginning to feel the pieces come back together, it’s taking so long and its frustrating, but I am trying my absolute best, some days when I know I could be cleaning, I give myself a break and do nothing but get stoned, and some days I meditate.

That’s what I am really doing as I write this  post, that’s why it’s so jumbled all over the place, I am meditating somewhere in the far reaches of my mind, trying to sort through all the memories until I find the one I want so I can finally be free and move on from my past.

It feels like something is still holding me back, and it’s frustrating me to no end, it has to do with this guy I used to know that I used to like. He was fun to be around, and nice, until he wasn’t, because like all men, he swapped into someone I didn’t really recognize.

I think often of the women of my past, the Ancestress’ who came before me, the ones of times long ancient from now, and I wonder if they would be proud of how far I had come. I wonder if they understand how hard I had to fight to get where I am today, to just get to the place where life is boring, if they could understand how hard I am still fighting.

I’m trying and I know you are too, so we’ll try together, because that’s what Kris do, we take care of each other, even when we feel like we can or will have to do it alone. It’s the Ohana way.

If you’re reading this, I want you to know I understand how much it hurts but I promise you,  you will get through this. You survived, and that’s so much  more powerful than you can possibly imagine. If you need help please reach out to one of the many help lines in your area.

Sending all my love to those struggling today,

Devon J Hall

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