I am trying to learn how to focus my energy, but I am having trouble expressing this phase of my healing.
When I wake up the first thing I focus on is getting coffee into my system as quickly as possible. It’s so automatic now I don’t even think about it. Before I go to the bathroom most days coffee is in my system somehow.
It’s like fucking majick.
When I get angry I want to yell and scream because I feel a negative balance inside myself that wants to take everything I have and lash out. It’s this energy that I want to spend time focusing on.
This negative energy that comes from anxiety, being stressed out and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
On Tuesday I exercised for the first time in years.
Only for five minutes, but for five more minutes than I have, in as I said years. It only just occurred to me that instead of being angry or letting myself get anxious I can do other things to focus my mind, and the reason that it only just now occurred to me, is that I have felt completely lost over the last year and a half.
I forgot that I have the power to change my own situation. I know cleaning and organizing doesn’t feel like a super power, but when you’ve been abused and your world has been thrown into chaos, that is exactly what it is. It’s a fucking super power.
Some people work out, and other people clean their house, either way what they are really doing is focusing their energy on tasks that help release serotonin and relax the body mind and soul.
When I first started this process the first thing I started doing was cleaning like a mad woman. I cleaned my entire room and organized it in a single day. And it was messy as fuck.
Over the last year the same old chaos that wove it’s way into my life before I started acknowledging what I went through started to take over again. Largely because once I started to really acknowledge the sheer vastness of everything I had been through, I just got fucking tired.
And that is one of the hardest things anyone who has ever been sexually assaulted can go through. Living is fucking hard when you’ve been set free from abuse.
Everything about you changes, everything about who you are, who you could have been, what you could have done with your life is changed, because you’ve been irrevocably altered by the things you survived.
Whether it’s someone beating you up or raping you, abuse in all it’s many forms changes you and that changes how you deal with abuse. Because you end up feeling lost, confused, anxious and stressed out at the same things that used to bring you pleasure.
That is where focusing your energy comes in.
Meditation is the first step, and it’s first because it’s the hardest. It can be so difficult to let your thoughts wander, because inevitably they wander towards what you’ve been experiencing through all the stages of healing and not everyone is ready for that.
So when you start to meditate start for one minute at a time. Each day add three minutes and before you know it you’re meditating for an hour. I warn you there are going to be times you break down and cry and scream but it will get easier with each time.
Several months ago I got super stoned and started to meditate and I wasn’t even thinking anything in particular but I found myself starting to genuinely just weep and it felt so fucking good.
I laughed it off after when my mom heard because she was worried, but I hadn’t cried like that in years, and I deserved to cry. Instead of panicking I let it out, and when I was done I genuinely felt better, so I highly recommend starting with meditation.
Which can be done absolutely anywhere, you don’t have to do it while you’re sitting there staring at nothing. You can do it while you work out, while you clean, whatever you are doing you can meditate. As long as you focus on healing that negative energy, it’s never a wrong thing.
Working out is step two, because you have been weakened by sitting around, and when I say you, I mean me. I am starting to work out a little bit each day. As a smoker it’s harder, but I also appreciate the strain my body goes through as I start making myself as physically strong as I am emotionally.
Working out can be as simple as going for a walk, or walking up and down stairs until you can’t see straight. These days I prefer stair walking because it allows me to really drag out that energy with every step I take, plus I am told it makes your ass look great.
Creative outlets are great, but they don’t enrich your body the way that working out does, which is why this is my new focus. I’ve gained quite a bit of weight in the last year, and while I truly believe every body is beautiful, I haven’t been feeling very beautiful these days, so hence the working out.
I want to get to the point that when I go into the gym finally, I feel strong and secure in my own femininity to not care what other people might think of my body. There is also something to be said for feeling physically fit, when you’re not feeling so emotionally fit that I am really liking.
Even though it hurts, even though it’s hard I am going to keep working out until I can start running again, because I Used to love running.
I’ve compiled a list of great songs to help myself meditate, and you can view them through the link below.
I hope this helps you, as it has helped me, because after all, like I said this whole website is about learning to focus my energy.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall