I am in this place of pure undiluted contentment, which is funny because I am totally broke and I have nothing particularly amazing going on in my life.
I am a broke ass writer, who should be freaking out that life isn’t going my way, except that life is going my way and I am content.
I am in a place of undiluted healing.
I realized recently that my entire body is physically exhausted, and the only thing I can conclude is that it’s because for so long I kept the secrets of what was happening with me, that it wore me down to a nub.
Recently I discussed what I went through with my mom and my doctor as well as my psych nurse, and it hit me, it was only the second time I’d ever verbally discussed Keith Rainier.
It’s getting easier and easier to say that he abused me, that he had many men abuse me, it’s getting easier to admit what happened to me, and it is a huge relief.
Letting out the secrets, refusing to protect my abusers any more is a huge relief, it’s like I am learning to breath again and I am okay with where I am in this place, even though as I said I am broke and my house is a mess, I feel like I am not alone anymore.
My mom knows the truth about what happened to me, or at least some of my version of it, and she’s been really supportive, which is huge because I am starting to recognize that for years I wouldn’t allow her to be supportive. It was easy to be angry at her for not understanding what was happening to me, but it was hard to admit that the reason she didn’t know was because lying became a second nature to me.
Lying is second nature to all victims, we learn to hide the bruises and scars with ease, because we’re ashamed to tell the truth, to be honest and open with the fact that we’ve been victimized, and it’s fucking exhausting. Which explains why even though I am content, I am constantly tired all the time.
I get up and watch hours of television, play on Twitter and by eleven or so I am absolutely ready for more sleep. This is my current routine, and after years of keeping exhausting numbers of secrets, I think I’ve earned this place.
It’s not where I want to be mind you, I’d much rather be healing on a beach on Fuck off Island, but since I am not I am learning to accept that this is where I am at right now, without resentment, which isn’t easy to do.
I used to wonder how people got to this place, that I am in now, this place of contentment, and the reason that they don’t explain exactly how is because I don’t think many people know. I got here by spending a year smoking weed, and then by talking it out, and I know there are a bunch more stages before I get to the place where I want to be, but this is the place I am in now, and I accept that.
Acceptance is a huge part of being healthy, and while from the outside it may look like I am living in a world filled with chaos, this is the most calm and quiet I’ve ever been. I’ve noticed that I don’t have thoughts or opinions like I used to. I spend a great deal more time just sitting here smiling, as if my subconscious knows something that my conscious mind hasn’t quiet figured out yet.
It’s a fucking weird place to be, but this is where I am right now. So I ask you now, how are you doing?
Let’s talk about it in the comments below,
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall