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I was a follower…

For a lot of years I was the person who just went with the flow. Whatever came my way I dealt with, in the moment instead of seriously thinking about the consequences of my actions. I once told a friend I was going to call social services on her, because I wanted to end a friendship, and largely because she was a terrible parent. As it turns out I never did make that call – although they were called anyways by someone else, but my motivation was purely to cut ties in a way that they could never be repaired again.

This was a person who was incredibly abusive to me, and everyone in their life, no matter how many times people reached out to help, we were burned by this person over and over again.

I took a drastic measure by making an empty threat, because it was the only way to end something that was entirely toxic to every fiber in my being. It was the first time I made a stance and stood up for myself.

This website is the culmination of learning to stand up for myself, and now I am not following the pack any more.

When another blogger stole my words and published them on their blog, I cut ties with everyone we knew, because I wasn’t about to allow my voice to be taken away from me again. Another drastic measure that at the time was incredibly healthy for me, I had to re-learn to set a boundary, and now that I have set these boundaries I have to learn to relax them a little bit.

The other day when speaking with my Psychiatrist, I asked him flat out if he believed that I was raped. The suggestion came about that perhaps I would be comfortable with a female Psychiatrist, and I immediately said no largely because even though I don’t like the one I have, I am afraid of having to start all over again.

After a conversation with my mom however, we decided that might be the best course of action, so I will be waiting to find out if that is even possible, and I have fears that this new person will be so influenced by my old one, that they may also not believe me, even though I know to my core that my truth is my reality, not a dillusion.

I am focusing today on healing by being comfortable in my truth, a truth that is uncomfortable at best and utterly traumatizing at worst.

We’ve been talking about me going back to work, but my major background is working in addictions. At the time I thought I hated it because it was draining and exhausting trying to get people who didn’t want to go into recovery, into the aforementioned recovery.

Dealing with people who are living in addiction is incredibly hard, it’s something I am only beginning to understand, even though I was doing that job at twenty-three, I thought I had all the answers. I am only just learning what being in recovery really means.

It means stripping down everything you think you know about yourself and beginning all over again. This is an uncomfortable process and I totally understand why it is that people are afraid of the process. It can be long, and it can make you face things about yourself that aren’t pleasant. It means telling yourself the truth about things that you are afraid to admit. Like for instance, that you aren’t perfect.

Those of us going through recovery have to admit that sometimes we are standing in our own way, because we’re too afraid to step aside and let the process take over, it’s fucking scary to admit that choices we made are what lead us into being in places that we wouldn’t have been otherwise.

I remember when I first hooked up with the ex-boyfriend, it wasn’t that I wanted or needed a boyfriend, it was just accepted that I should have one at twenty-three and I was tired of being alone. I fell into a toxic relationship because it was easier than saying no thank you…again.

If I had stuck to my guns and remained comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn’t have ended up in that relationship. That toxic friendship is exactly why I ended up with someone who was perfectly okay with letting me have a miscarriage. I started believing all the terrible things she said about me, and I was ripe for a guy who would pile on the abuse while simultaneously telling me what a terrible friend she was.

I had allowed myself to believe what she was saying, so when it became his turn it was just easy to accept that I was the fucking problem.

I became a follower, and I lost myself in those two relationships, which led me to filling my  heart with memories of people I missed through out my life, I started romanticizing toxic relationships and letting myself stew in the darkness. I got fucking comfortable in the shit.

I am learning to let go and admit what I did was wrong, I allowed myself to become a shell of myself because it was easier and now I have to fight to relearn how to vocalize that so I can move on, in the face of people who think I am psychotic, rather than admit that maybe I’m not crazy. Maybe these things really did happen to me, and maybe I need to stop looking for other people to believe me, so that I can start healing in spite of what other people think.

That’s not an easy process for someone who has trained herself to keep the secrets of my abusers, in spite of my own comfort.

I am working with Heather to focus my energies on more positive things like After Abuse Chat, each week we dissect our healing process into one or two topics we can discuss and each week I am feeling stronger and stronger, and yet there is this nagging feeling that it’s:

a) not enough

b) not going to last.

This healing thing is difficult and I am not sure if I am doing it right, I just know that I am going with what feels right in the moment as I always have, in spite of what other people think I should be doing, because it’s what feels good for me. It’s what’s making me feel better, and that’s all I can focus on right now.

I know that my doctor and my family thinks that I should be focused on finding a job in the new year and so do I…there’s this nagging feeling that tells me that I am not ready, but I think more than anything that’s the fear talking, so I am going to try.

There’s a place that I really want to work at, but I am giving myself the rest of this year off. I promised myself in 2020 I would start my rebirth process, I would start trying to find a job and get back into the world again, in a real physical way instead of just a digital one, but I admit y’all I am fucking terrified.

But other people have done it before me, so it’s not like it’s impossible right? I just have to try, and I might fall flat on my face, but I’m used to that. That’s not new for me, that’s actually my comfort zone, so the worst thing that can happen is I fuck up and get fired before I even succeed at something, but at least I will have tried.

That’s all I can ask of myself.

What are you asking of yourself this year?

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall


 

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