This was a poem written by an artist whose name I’ve long since lost to time, that taught me how to play with my cunt, why to play with my cunt, and pretty much everything I needed to know about being a woman. I wish I could replicate it, or find a copy of the original from the internet somewhere, because it is a piece of literary genius that every woman deserves to experience.
I say that because I’ve spent a lot of the last four days or so thinking about what it means to be a woman, to me. Specifically.
In my journey of past it has meant that I was an “It”. a thing to be used whenever a man had a desire, a thing that couldn’t say no because I didn’t really understand what “no” meant. The invitation to sex in my life was almost never turned down because I did not know how to say no, because I had always been trained to believe that “no” meant yes.
There were a few older men in my life who understood this about me from experiences of their own and took advantage, and others who I enjoyed a short courtship with that was pleasant enough. Those relationships were meant to happen because I needed them to happen, and if you aren’t yet in your twenties, one day you’ll understand what that means if you do not already.
It’s those relationships that teach you what you wish you were ready for – the nice guy who wants to take you to a movie to actually watch the movie, instead of the guy who just wants to swallow your face whole while he strangles you and your mutual friends whisper about how cute you are. (Incidentally my throat hurt for like a week after that, and I was chastised for being rude and not calling him back after that date, because I didn’t tell anyone he’d nearly strangled me in a fully packed movie theater.) He was going to be a Doctor so it wouldn’t have mattered what I’d said, my behavior was of course inexcusable.
My late teens and early twenties were very much about learning what I did not want in a relationship, with anyone let alone myself. I am so utterly grateful for the last thirty-six years of this life, because I learned about how strong I can be in the face of the darkest most evil fucked up situations this earth can throw at you.
I am seriously powerfully strong, and yet at the same time I can still be brought to my knees by the betrayal’s of people that I once called friend. I was ….okay if I am being honest I was having an all out mental and emotional screaming match with myself over the last year and what I learned is that I fucking adore Amber Heard.
I don’t know why, but there is something about that energy that reminds me of something I wanted to be when I grew up, and it reminds me that I have that in me. That “thing” that makes people go “holy fuck, don’t piss her off.” I used to be the scariest chick in Surrey purely because I was Black so people assumed I had back up. Ha ha we were so fucking young.
That’s how race in this city worked, I went safe and protected because I was Black, and now I’m sitting here looking at my life realizing that most of my entire life I was fucking alone and I survived it all.
I survived being beaten, abused, dropping out of High school and falling through every fucking crack possible just so I could look back at my life and realize I fucking adore myself, regardless of what anyone else has to fucking say about me, I am fucking awesome.
And it’s because despite everything I have been through I am not actually ashamed of my body or my sexual fantasy’s, I know exactly where my Daddy Domination fantasy’s come from. A life time of being abused by pathetic little twerps who thought they mattered and really didn’t matter at all in the giant cosmic sense of the phrase that is “my life”.
I’m talking about the guys that grabbed my ass or tit, who assumed they were wise because they confused loving the sound of their own voices with the assumption that it was a pleasant and wise sound.
Do you know how many hours I’ve wasted sitting with men in cars while they pawed at me with their masculinity in a variety of ways from actually deciding their hands belonged on my body because it was their God given right, to pretending to be smart by telling me the same fucking stories over and over again and calling it wisdom?
I’ve spent at least three years of my life listening to men complain, whine, laugh, tell stupid jokes or stare off into space like this city’s version of Angel the Vampire from Buffy. Jesus fucking Christ men get over yourselves and women please for the love of Krisya, please please PLEASE PLAY WITH YOUR CUNT.
Remember where your fantasy’s come from and learn to enjoy them without shame, remember why you are the way you are, remember the direction you have for your life, not the one everyone thinks you are going to take but the one that you know in your heart is your absolute true and ultra secret future. The one you haven’t even told yourself about because you want to make sure that every step you take is the exact right take, that one.
Remember that shit, and honor the fuck out of it, it’s time to start painting, drawing dancing and singing to the Gods. I can honestly tell you this last year of my life has taught me more and more about who I do not want to be, purely so I could get ready to meet the person that I know in my heart mind and soul I truly want to be.
The kind of person who is helping people and creating something in this world that is positive and brings a little hope into this planet, while simultaneously making a crap load of money. I am not going to lie, the future I have planned has me making sure that should I be blessed with children I can help set them up for a better childhood than I or my brother or mom had.
I want my kids to have a future filled with light and opportunity, not easy perhaps but easier maybe than we had it in our generation, that’s every person’s goal right? To leave the world in a better place than when they arrived? well if not that’s fine because it’s mine. I also want to travel, I want to take this Loud Mouth Brown Girl empire thing as far as it will go. I want to design things, and create things and sell things, and I am excited about that, and no part of that future comes along because some guy showed up on a white horse to fucking save me. Not even from myself.
When I created Radio Free Voice I handed over the reigns to a guy I barely knew because I didn’t know how to say no when I should have, and instead of letting it grow naturally I ruined the fuck out of what it could be, to sabotage what he wanted to make it because his vision differed from mine. Thus, I sabotaged myself. I always fucking do that – all women do when shit doesn’t go our way, it’s our form of having a temper tantrum, when in reality what we should be doing is playing with our fucking cunts, without men in the picture.
I have spent my entire life devoted to men because I was always convinced if I could just find one willing to fight for me, the rest would leave me the fuck alone, and frankly ladies, men are a lot of fucking work.
If I put half as much work into myself as I have avoiding anything serious – and I do mean that to the most extreme cases of telling a guy I had herpes just so he’d pass that rumor around to keep men away from me. No fucking joke, that’s how far I’ve gone and nope I am still not a lesbian, because I stopped playing with my cunt, I fucking went and fell in fucking love.
Thank Christ’s it wasn’t my fucking Tattoo Artist at least, I mean those relationships are beautiful, but if they flounder? you get a pile of shit tattooed on you, no thanks, I’m out. I have a future planned for myself, I have a ten year plan that I haven’t spoken a word out loud about, I haven’t dared. I have thoughts, I have questions, I’ve done research I know where I am going and I know how I am going to get there, and while I may lose my looks along my way it will be fucking worth it, because I’ll have done it on my fucking own.
When I think about all the women I admire they did it separate and apart from the men in their lives. Beyonce did that shit on her own, with her best friends in the whole world, and when the time came they set each other free and said “Hey you I love you, I’ll see you when it’s time to come together again”. What more beautiful expression of sister to sister love is there than that?
Yet in the public we push them against each other and talk about whose sending which woman shade, y’all we are fucking the fucking up. I feel this energy rising in the air, and I know that sounds crazy to say, but it’s absolutely true, I feel this great beautiful female energy rolling through the air, and I feel like if we all get stoned on a certain night we’ll feel it too, it’s like that old wives tale about prayer circles. If enough people believe anything is achievable.
The last time I felt this way was the night I watched the last episode of Buffy, and to remind you I need to share it here:
That was from many a year ago, and all I can think is what if that were true? What if every girl who could would, what would we do then? I can promise you we’d be playing with our cunts a lot more, and there is power in that. In being in charge of your own life, your own orgasm and in deciding who you are willing to love and when, for me personally right now I am only in love with myself and my cunt and I fucking love it, because that’s exactly where I need to be after everything I have been through.
And I deserve to do that with a cold beer every now and then, a bright red joint, and a little piece and quiet.
You all enjoy saving the Earth, I’ll help you when I get there, right now I’m busy playing with my cunt.
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Featured art by Jacqueline Secor