Letters

Surviving R Kelly: Why Victim’s Don’t Just Leave

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the abuse I suffered, both as a child and as an adult.

When I was a child I was given a Master, by a group of men who called themselves “The Light Bringers,” these same men stalked, harassed and paid to have me ritually raped on a regular basis, for no other reason than they could.

That group evolved into what is now known as “NXIVM“, which if you don’t know is a sex cult, largely paid for by none other than Richard Branson. Each of us were granted a “Master”, who was in charge of ensuring our “sexual education“. Branson was mine.

It didn’t get really bad until 22 years ago, when I was fifteen, and to clarify I want you to pay very close attention to this next list:

The Hell’s Angels

The Surrey BC Horsemen 

The North Delta Police Department

The Surrey RCMP

and several celebrities had to come together, to not only save my life, but begin the process of deprogramming me. This is precisely why Victim’s do not “just leave“.

More than twenty people I know, love, respect, admire and cherish had to come together, from around the world, to be a part of my intervention, some of them through cellphones because not all of them were able to travel to my home.

Yesterday I had to reiterate the story in the North Delta Police Department, yesterday I came home after a three hour walk, and curled up in bed and slept, and this morning is the first time in 22 years that I finally feel free.

This is why Victim’s don’t just leave. 

I am so tired of seeing people who have been watching this documentary, around the world talk about how the women knew, the women should have done something they should have spoken up sooner.

They did speak up sooner, that’s why Robert Kelly was forced to stand in a courtroom and defend himself, and I quote one of the jurors who said “I just didn’t like how the girls dressed or acted” which actually translates into I wasn’t interested in believing they were innocent.

The man I love is facing Jail time for being a part of this sex cult, the man that I am desperately, heartbreakingly in love with, is facing jail time, because he tried to get me out, he tried to save my life, and in doing so ended up being someone who broke a law. A stupid, ridiculous law in comparison to what Branson and “The Light Bringers,” and Keith Rainier put me through.

No matter what you might think or how you might feel, this man was in his own way, incredibly controlling, incredibly abusive, by any legal definition, and yet in my heart I still wish one day there is a world where we end up together. I was trained to be a victim, but according to Rainier, I was trained to be “The perfect sex slave“, much like Robert Kelly’s Victims.

Let us remember that, he is a predator, he chose to rape, beat, abuse, urinate on children, and he got away with it, because the MEN in his circle allowed for it to happen, and many of the women. They allowed it to happen because they were getting paid, because they made a choice.

Every single person over the age of 21 had a responsibility to protect the children in their circle, and they chose not to, because they were “family.

The men who will be charged (or have been by now) for participating in 22 years of raping and controlling me, for keeping me against my will, drugging and torturing me, were children once. They were NXIVM children, and they did exactly what they were trained to do.

They were trained to treat women like lesser class citizens, they were trained to abuse me, to torture and beat and rape me, because as children they were told that they were God’s and women were born to serve them.

It does not however, excuse what they did to me as an adult, it does not excuse the fact that they then chose to repeat the cycle. Yesterday I was asked if I wanted to press Charges, yes I do. Yes I absolutely do, because maybe then they will get the help they need, maybe then I’ll get the help that I need to de-program me.

Even as I write this post I am feeling sorry for the children that we used to be, I was told to think of them as family, and I did that because it helped me to survive.

In 2015 when they did it for the last time, I did every single thing I could to make sure I survived. I promised them I would out them, I promised them I would protect them, I told them every lie I planned to tell for the next two years to ensure my safety, because that’s what we do when we’re fighting this war.

We do whatever we can to survive, and sometimes that means lying to our friends when they say “hey yo, these guys raped you,” sometimes it means looking the man you love and want to marry more than anything, in the eye and saying “no, they did not,” sometimes it means continuing to stay “friends” with the abuser, because you are afraid they might kill you.

It means lying to yourself, your friends, your family, it means becoming the best actor or actress you can, to survive long enough hoping that one day, if you’re lucky, your story will come out and people will believe you enough to stand with you and say “you aren’t alone.

I started creating multiple personalities to compartmentalize all the information in my head, so that I wasn’t driven insane by the abuse that I suffered…I started this psychological defense system when I was five years old. To date I have about 13 different personalities, with names, identities and entirely different behaviors. This is the very first time I am admitting this, outside of the circle of Krisya.

This is why Victims do not just leave. 

The Circle of Krisya for those who do not know, is a real thing, it is every single person who showed up at my intervention and saved my life.

I am not alone, because every single one of the boys, who turned into men, who raped me, came to my intervention, and told their stories too. Every one of them admitted their guilt and will be going to jail, every single one of them will face the consequences of their actions, and every one of them will be getting the help that we all so desperately need, because we were all victims…once.

Men and women were murdered to protect the secrets of what was done to us, and what we did to each other, people died because of Keith Rainier, Richard Branson, Warren Ross, Colby Pallson, and many others who decided that children would make good porn stars.

Those children have become adults and we decided together, to fight back, but to clarify the desperation we faced, understand something.

We had to spend the last 22 years giving off secret signals, wearing certain colors, reversing the way we speak so “I hate you” really meant “I love you“, or “Fuck you” meant “I get what you’re saying,” “you’re a rat” means “it’s time“, we had code names, signals, we had an entirely secret language that we shared with each other, because it was the ONLY way to survive.

And all of that, came from my mind, I twisted every single word I saw or heard, because I know that no ten year old boy wants to rape a fifteen year old girl, no young child wants to be forced against his will to have sex with a woman strapped down to her bed, because it’s “the family game”.

We were all victims once, and now we are all survivors, but I’m the one who won’t be going to jail, I’m the one who was genuinely innocent, because instead of becoming a rapist like the boys were trained to be, I continued to be a victim.

That’s why Victims do not just leave. 

So the next time you watch Surviving R Kelly, the next time a woman or a man decides to share their story with you, honor that, and instead of saying “I’m sorry that happened to you,” try going with “I am so honored that your strength gave you the security you needed to share your story with me.

Don’t ever ask a victim why they didn’t just leave, or reach out for help, because you have no idea what they are doing is really just trying to make sure they don’t end up dead…like Aliyah.

May she rest in peace,

Sending all our love,

The Sisterhood of She

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